This Winter

Chapter 13

Song playing in book ^

Junior Year

The words my mother spoke to me were true. My lies would eventually catch up to me. If I planned to keep Noah a part of my life for forever- I would have to tell him.

I always knew that I would inevitably have to overcome my feelings for Noah, probably meet another guy and settle down. And if I wanted Noah to be my best-man, I'd have to tell him I'm gay before I meet 'Mr. Right'.

My plan was always to tell him either before graduation, or whenever I would be able to truthfully say 'I'm not in love with Noah Anderson'. Unfortunately, at the rate I was heading I wasn't sure I would ever be able to speak those words honestly. Luckily, college graduation wasn't too soon, so I had always settled for the first option.

With the newfound information that Kurtis Anderson knew my darkest secret.. my plans were being ultimately compromised.

With a heavy chest, I called Noah the next morning to secretly check up on him. Besides a hang-over, he was fine.

"Nothing else happened?" I chewed subconsciously on my lip, pressing the phone tightly to my ear.

"Nope, parents don't have a clue," he smugly announced. "Thanks, Ethan. Thanks, for everything."

"Oh, it was no problem.. I'll always be there for you, Noah." And I would. "Noah, if something ever happens like that again- call me. Always call me," my voice stern.

"Listen, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later," he abruptly tells me, hanging-up before I can reply.

"Bye?" I talk to the phone in my hand, quite unsure of myself.

I'm relieved to find Noah is okay, but I'm still on edge. My parents don't have a clue. Kurtis definitely knew.  My chest felt lighter, knowing my secret was safe for now, but a bitter taste still coated my throat. Because if Kurtis hadn't told Noah yet.. then when?

***

I dodged the Anderson's house at all costs. Inviting Noah to mine, rather than spending time in his.  I had successfully gone two months without visiting his house. Avoiding Kurtis Anderson and neglecting to tell Noah about my sexuality.

Everything was seemingly perfect and I didn't want to disrupt it.

"My mom wanted to know if you and your mom wanted to come over Christmas Eve ?" A bright-eyed Noah asked me.

We were parked in his car, drinking warm chocolate and staring at Christmas lights. The plastic blue snowflakes wrapped on a storefront, reflected against his ocean eyes. He pulled the plastic cups to his pink lips and took a small sip.

I slink into my seat and heavy grey coat. Pulling the plastic cup to my chest and subconsciously running my middle finger around the rim as I try to will the conversation away.

"I'm not sure," I shrug, focusing on the sound of traditional Christmas music, softly thrumming from the speakers of his car.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new glorious morn
Fall on your knees
O hear the angels' voices
O night divine
O night when Christ was born
O night divine o night

"What do you mean," he laughs. Shaking his head at me and turning the music down, leaving us with silence.

"I just don't know yet."

"Well, its not like you and your mom do anything? I thought you guys normally just chill?" He's looking at me funny, trying to decide if I'm joking or not.