When All The Lights Go Out ~~ Sherlock x Reader

E L E V E N

"Jeez Sherlock! Wait up! Not all of us have legs as long as yours! I still need to run upstairs and grab my gift for you!"

"I'll wait outside and hail a cab." I ran up the stairs, but turned back to see him grab something out of his pocket, most likely whatever he took from me. After getting his present from underneath the tree, I ran back downstairs, ignoring the looks that were shot at me by Molly and Lestrade who were still in the living room. They were probably wondering why I was running around like I were crazy, and why I was wearing Sherlock's coat. 

Out of breath I grabbed Sherlock's arm outside to steady myself. It was still snowing, so like every normal human, I made a snowball and threw it directly at Sherlock's back. 

"lol you're slow. Now, let's go get a cab to go to... the morgue. Why are we going again?" I smiled at him and brushed the snow off of his back as he glared at me.

"Please refrain from doing that to me again. It's bad enough that I wore the antlers for you."

"Oh, you did that for me? How nice!"

"Who else would I have done it for? I would never consider doing so for anyone besides you."

"OooooOOOoOOoOOOoOOo Sherlock don't say things like that, people might get the wrong idea about us." I smiled at him teasingly.

"You blackmailed me! That's why I did it!"

"And you love me for it, you looked incredible!" I laughed at him and sneaked up next to his coat pocket.

"What's with the major personality switch?"

"Who knows? Maybe I'm just happy to be outside in the snow!" I grabbed the side of his jacket slyly. "Ya know Sherlock, it's still really cold out here, even with your jacket on."

"I'm not giving you another one of my jacket's Y/N." He looked confused at my odd behavior. 

"I know, and I'm not asking you to. Just let me warm up here okay?" I snuggled into his side and wrapped myself in the outside of his jacket.

"Did you get drunk again?"

"No," I slipped my hand into his pocket and grabbed what I needed. "I just needed to take this from you, don't think I didn't notice when you stole m-" I looked at the object in my hand and stepped away from him, falling backwards into the snow. "This... Sherlock you can't take shit like this from me." I took off his jacket and threw it onto the ground as I got up. "Leave me alone for the rest of tonight."

"Y/N, I can explain."

"I said leave me alone." I walked through the front door and into my room as I started crying, two times in one night, nice. 

In my hand sat a pair of earbuds and an old tape recorder. The one with the copy of the interview of me when I was young. The one that I hadn't listened to for a couple of days because I had started to give up hope. The one that I could never bare to lose, and it was just carelessly taken by my neighbor. 

I sat there, on my bed, just desperately hoping that Sherlock, nobody, would walk in on me in such a helpless state. I cried, and I cried. I cried until I got bored of crying, so I sat at my desk and cried while I wrote.

Dear dad,

I haven't written to you in a while, and I hope you're doing well wherever you may be in the world now. Remember mom? I miss her. My recording, it was almost taken form me. It's one of the last things I have to remember her, and she's not even in it. How pathetic am I?  I gave it up to a fucking psychopath, and now I've been rendered useless. You'd be so disappointed in me if you could see me now, for all I know you can. I know you used to hate it when I cried for you, you said it was useless and it couldn't be helped that you had gotten sick in your old age, but you can't expect me to stop crying because of that. And now, I don't even know why I'm crying. I moved out to this reached city because I thought I could escape all the pain that was left when you died at home, but it seems to have caught up to me too fast. I miss you. I miss mom. I wish you were here. You know I love you. Merry Christmas.

-Your dearest daughter, Y/N

Leaving tear drops on the paper I had written my letter on, I folded it up, put it into an envelope, and shoved in into a drawer attached to my desk. It had already had other letters inside of it, ones I had started writing to my mom and dad after they both had passed. Once neatly placed in the drawer, I closed it and started on another one.

At some point in the night I had stopped crying, and I had written over fifteen letters, some pages long, some short enough to be a birthday card. They were addressed to both my mom and dad. There were so many letters that I nearly filled up the drawer with everything that I had written for so many years of my life.

Feeling empty, like a husk, I stood up. Emotionless, it had all been drained out of me. The head rush didn't bother me, the fact that I almost passed out didn't bother me. I just grabbed onto the desk to steady me. I didn't know what to do with myself, so I just grabbed a coat of my own and went to take a walk. I didn't care if I froze to death out there, the thin coat should be enough, but then again, I thought that it might even be better if I had just died at that moment. 

Leaving my phone behind, I took my keys and nothing else leaving the apartment. Out in the hallway, I locked my door, just in case a nosey neighbor got any ideas. Turning around I heard the main door open to the apartments. Sherlock. I tried not to think about him as I silently tried to walk past him. He put his arm out to block the doorway.

"Y/N, I want to explain things, you see-"

"I don't give a shit." It barely came out as a whisper, but I said it, and that's what counts. 

I ducked under his arm and walked out into the night, letting the cool air wrap me up. I heard him trying to get my attention in the background, but we both knew it would have no use. I couldn't hear him, I couldn't hear anyone. I just let the thoughts in my mind control me. They don't want you here. You're just a bother. You should just kill yourself. And I believed them.

My legs carried me, the push back from the wind made it hard, but I continued on. I shivered and my breath came out in puffs of air, but I didn't care. You can join your family. Don't you want to see your mother again? Your father? Your friends? They'll all be there. I walked on until I found a bridge. This is what you need, no need to bother anyone else anymore. I knew my depression was taking over, and a little voice in the back of my mind told me to stop, but I didn't listen. I gripped the edge of the stone bridge, so high above the water, so far away from the city surrounding it. Tears, I didn't know when I had started crying. Slowly, I climbed up onto the edge, preparing myself to jump off. So simple, there wouldn't even be anyone left to care when i would jump. This husk of a girl, this unlovable mess.

"You would just leave like that?" Sherlock's voice had finally gotten through to me. "What about all of your stuff, your friends, your family."

"What friends, what family? They all died or left long before I am. I have nothing left, I thought this place could be a fresh start, but it's done nothing but bring up bad memories. The place where my mother died, the small items that remind me of my father. You. Nothing helps. I gave myself a month, I promised myself that I would live until then, and I can't even do that." The wind made me start to lose my balance. Does it could as suicide if the wind is the thing that makes me fall? "I'm never going to find what I'm looking for here Sherlock, you were kind to me, but I don't want to burden anyone any longer."

"No." I felt arms wrap around my waist and I was pulled away from the ledge, and into someones arms. "You have more to live for than that."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you can't tell, I'm pretty depressed today, so this chapter makes no sense, but like... who gives a fuck. I wanna die, I need meself a person like Sherlock who'll pull me off a bridge, but lol there isn't anyone here for me, and there aren't any bridges where I live oops. Whatever. Hope you liked it.

</3

I'll edit later. So for rn the page will be double spaced.