Belated Blessings

Chapter 47: I Was Here

 " I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time
Know there was something that, meant something that I left behind
When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets
Leave something to remember, so they won't forget "

I didn't follow Jhene to the hospital. Instead, I found myself checking in to Capstone Hotel. There was so much going on in my head that I couldn't process it all. Watching Jhene give birth the Carmen, made me miss Davis. As crazy as it seems, I would have rathered to push him out, to hold him if just for one moment. My house had quickly filled with children, and although I was thankful to God for blessing me with them, it just didn't seem like enough. I selfishly wanted more.

It bothered me that Jhene could be so evil but still be blessed with such beautiful extensions of herself. If I were to die today, what would I leave behind so that the world would know that I was here? There were traces of me left in others but nothing directly birthed from me, no dreams come full circle. The thought of it all overwhelmed me and left me a blubbering mess on the carpeted floor. Twenty-six years of life celebrated drowning in my despair and inner turmoil.

Everyone saw me as this strong and loving person, but no one knew the inner demons I faced. Yes, I have helped Jhene, and seemingly forgave her, but the truth was I was envious and jealous. The only way I knew to deal with it was to cover it in love, but that only worked for so long. A generic ringtone sounded from my phone as I looked around for my phone, finally remembering I stuffed it in my jacket pocket.

I quickly cleared my throat before answering, "Hello," I called out.

"Hey, uh, this is Cam. I got your text. Are Jhene and the baby ok? I tried calling her but didn't get a response," he said guardedly.

"They are ok. Jhene and Carmen were taken to DCH," I said trying to keep it short.

"Ok, ok. I'm going to try to get up there. Cassandra had Junior today. They finally induced her after being almost three weeks late,' he hesitated in saying and my chest tightened.

" Well, um, congratulations. But I uh, I need to go," I whispered.

"Um okay. Are you alright Elise? I know you aren't talking to me right now, but once upon a time we were friends," Cam expressed.

"I'm good. I have to go," I stated and then hung up. I sat in the middle of the floor with my knees to chest, face cradled between my knees, and arms wrapped around my legs. My phone continued to ring incessantly until I got tired of hearing it and turned it off completely. I know people would begin panicking soon, but I needed time to process these emotions that no one seemed to understand.

No one understood how dreams of Davis and the sweet boy he would grow to be haunted me or how the venom-laced within Jhene's constant proclamation of her being the mother of Zach's children smothered me. At times, I felt like I couldn't breathe. Even now, I felt the onset of a panic attack that I was having a hard time putting a handle on. I lay on my side and curled up in the fetal position allowing my tears to blanket me and cradle me into a restless sleep.

I panicked and began to thrash as I felt myself being raised from the floor. What the hell was going on? Was I dreaming?

"Calm down baby, it's me," Zach's smooth voice crooned. I slowly opened my eyes blinking them several times to adjust to the artificial light the room provided. My eyes darted around the room quickly, trying to register how long I had been out and how long Zach had been here.

"What time is it," I croaked, then immediately cleared my throat. Zach sat on the bed with me still cradled in his arms.

"Around six," he said staring off into space, gently rocking me back and forth while nuzzling his nose in my hair inhaling my scent. I breathed deeply trying to will my body to relax, but I was still so tense.

" What happened baby," Zach choked out causing me to look up at him. My handsome husband released slow tears that swirled and curved around the contours of his face before getting lost in his beard.

"You scared me," he said into the air refusing to make eye contact with me.

"I couldn't breathe Zach," I sighed, " It was all too much. I was mad with myself and mad with God. Everyone is moving forward and being blessed beyond their wildest imaginations while I feel stuck. I feel like I'm drowning in my own pain and misery and nobody knows it but me," I cried out.

"Baby," he cooed, "you should have come to me."

" I know, but it's so much going on. We have the kids, Alana, work, family, and not to mention I helped Jhene birth her daughter today."

"You did what," Zach damn near shouted.

" Yep," I said nodding, "not only did I see her cat, I touched it. We might as well be sister's now".

"That's a bit much don't you think," Zach queried lifting an eyebrow.

"Babe, if I died today, what would I leave behind? What would people say for me?"

"Elise what the fuck," he said shifting me from his lap to the bed beside him.

"What? I want to know, "I yelled.

"I'm not answering that shit. I don't even want to think about that shit," he shouted back hopping up from the bed pacing the room.

"I just want people to know I was here when I leave. I want them to know that I loved unconditionally and lived the best life that I could. I want people to know-"

"Elise," Zach interrupted and grabbed my face between the palms of his hands and kissed me with so much passion it left me dizzy. As he explored my mouth his tongue, he gently ran his hands through my hair. He massaged my scalp with the tips of his fingers causing my body to relax completely. He began to walk us back until my legs hit the bed and he gently laed me down on top of the plush comforter.

Zach stretched his body across mine as our legs intertwined. He released my lips to breath as he sat upon his left forearm and used his right hand to lift his shirt. He then switched arms to remove it completely. Once he had it off, his hand traveled to the hem of my shirt as he pulled it up and over my head. He reached behind me and released the clasp of my bra, freeing me. And there we lay, chest to chest, skin to skin, hearts beating in time.

He placed chaste kisses from my forehead to my collarbone. He then rolled over onto his back and pulled me to lay flush into the left side of his body. He wrapped his arms around me pulling me in closer if possible.

"Do you feel that baby? Do you feel my heart beating? That's how they knew you were and are here."

Don't. Be. Mad. At.Me. ( the periods were intentional)

My music has been giving me all kinds of feels. I'm sorry. Leave your feedback! I just want you all to understand the headspace that my characters are in as we return to the shore. I have been criticized often about  "Elise" seemingly being this perfect person, however, she's only being the person she wants you to see. Think about it.