Little Writings

The Beginning

Marius was sure this was the worst he'd ever felt.

Fuck Charlie's identity being exposed. Fuck watching his druggie mother destroy herself with heroine. Fuck the way he dumped Katie for someone newer and better at the con job. Fuck how he'd had to listen to Eddie's toe get chopped off. Fuck it all. It meant nothing compared to this. Nothing.

The tears hadn't lasted for long. Marius felt so fucking guilty for not being able to cry more. He was responsible for his own brother's death. And he couldn't even shed enough tears. He'd caused this. Of course he had; he destroyed everything he touched. Even since he'd been a child his mother had made sure to remind him of what a fuck up he was.

"Your brother Ed was the only one we wanted. The perfect kid. But you? No, you were just a mistake. When I found out I was pregnant with your stupid ass I thought about killing myself. You ruined my life. I could be in fuckin' Hawaii now but no, you had to be born, you worthless piece of shit. And because of you Danny left. It's your fault. It's all your fault."

The words had stung for a while, but Marius had stuck it out because he had a job. He had to care for Eddie. His little brother was the only person that had ever given meaning to his fucked up life and Marius intended to keep him safe at all costs, always stay loyal to him no matter what.

But it didn't work. It never worked, did it? Everyone he had loved left: his father, after he was born. His mother, after she'd overdosed in front of twelve year old Marius, cradling her boy in her arms and murmuring comforts to herself. And now his brother was gone. He'd been ripped away from him and the numb emotions the male had tried to hard to keep were shattered. All the hard work was undone like screws, now he was just a broken human with no purpose. No purpose without his hammer.

Several times on the drive back home (or Pete's grandparents' house, who he was currently taking the identity of) he'd thought about "accidentally" letting the car skid off to the side and crash into a tree. It wouldn't be so bad. The guilt was eating him alive inside, the fact that he'd fucked over everyone he'd known was finally beginning to tear apart his mind. Fuck, why did he have to feel? Why couldn't he be a mindless, numb robot to the world? Why did he fuck everything up?

So many questions I'll never have the answers to. Maybe Mom was right.

He was the one that had gotten Eddie into the conman business anyway. But his brother wasn't fit for the job; he was too sympathetic, too concerned with the well-being of others, too naïve and gullible. But Eddie had just wanted to follow in his brother's footsteps. The least he could do was impress a little, right? After all, showing his baby brother a few little tricks couldn't hurt.

But oh, how it had hurt. It had cost the both of them several personal losses and involvements in fucking psychotic people. Of course, without it, Marius wouldn't have met Katie, or Marjorie, or Karolina. But was it honestly worth it at this point? His fucking brother was dead and he was completely faking an identity to escape from Vince like a coward.

His original plan had been to steal the money and run off. Then, after Eddie had been taken hostage by Vince and had his fucking toe chopped off, Marius had wanted the money for his brother. But with three weeks finally passing, Vince seemed less than concerned with offing Eddie. And so that's what they had done. With Marius right there on the phone, put on mute, the men telling his brother how much Marius hated him.

It hadn't been true. It had been fucking torture but there wasn't enough time to track a location, not enough time to kick their asses, not enough time to come up with a lie to save Eddie. No. He was hopeless as he listened to the gunshot, a shiver crawling up his spine as soft sobs wrenched from his throat.