The Light That Illuminated Darkness (Khan Star Trek Fan Fiction)

The Broken Man

I could taste bile in the back of my throat.

Without her, nothing felt quite like it should. How could it? She was the only good thing that I had to hold onto. The rest... It was bloody. It was full of death and destruction, and I knew that I was apart of it. I remembered the feeling that killing the innocent gave me, the satisfaction and the glee. I remembered the warm feeling that it gave me, that sick, demented warmth that made me tingle, long for more of it. But now, thinking back, it felt like stone, cold and hard and unwelcoming.

But when I thought of her, all I felt was happiness mixed with pain. Her smile, the warmth of her hands, the glinting in her beautiful brown eyes... The memory brought happiness. The memory brought joy. The fact that I would never be able to see those again?

That's where the pain came in.

The pain was unbearable. It was the kind of pain that was often associated with that of a suicidal person. It was the kind of pain of a man who had no hope left. It was the kind of pain that a dying man felt, the man who knew that there was no hope of survival. It was the kind of pain that came with the terrible emptiness in his chest. It was the kind of pain that could drive a man to the brink of insanity. It was the kind of pain that could kill a person.

She had been my light. She had been the only one that I really cared about. Our relationship didn't make any sense, especially because we didn't know each other for very long... But when she was sitting in the hospital with me, she wasn't angry. She wasn't angry until she got into the car. She was confused and scared, but not angry. And for a little while, she pretended that all was okay and we would just talk like there was nothing wrong. We'd talk about life and love and how happy she was now that I was alive and Steven was home...

The hospital stay had been cold on my part though. I'd been cold because I was trying to process everything that had happened to me. But before that, before I knew who I really was, before I knew what I had done... We would sometimes just talk. It would be lighthearted and it wasn't until the day that she tried to kiss me that things got a little more passionate... But... 

She had hope when I did not. Her hope filled me with a hope that I couldn't create on my own. But after she got into the car, she seemed to change for some reason. She got angry because of all that had happened, but it was really just stress. But it was enough to make me lose hope and enough to make me throw myself in front of a car. Then, when I woke up and she was angry with me and she wanted to forget that I even existed...

My hand was curled around a gun. I was going to eat a bullet. Would it kill me? Probably not. But I needed to try something anything to make the pain go away. I was sitting outside her house, though I knew that I shouldn't. I felt like a stalker. I guess I sort of was. After she left that day, I followed her home. I got a gun from a guy on the street and I was going to put a bullet into my head in hopes of it killing me... And that's where I'd been.

But I didn't know what she was doing, not really. She didn't come out of the house much and I didn't dare peek inside, knowing that what lay ahead would only worsen the pain. She and Steven were spending their last days together in the apartment, doing God knows what. But I knew they were happy... But I still sat there, not sure what else to do, not sure where else to go. 

Chloe, Suzie's mother, had dropped by and found me there, but she didn't tell Suzie, like I'd expected her to. Instead, while Suzie's father went inside, Chloe came out and sat with me. We didn't speak. She didn't ask why there was a gun in my hand. She didn't try to tell me that things were going to be okay, because we both knew that they weren't somehow. She just sat there and kept me company while I waited. I don't know why I was waiting so long... I just... I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger yet.

Maybe it was the foolish hope that managed to linger inside of me telling me to not pull the trigger.

It's nearing three in the morning.

I have not moved for 4 days.

My head bangs against the stone wall as I sit in silence. The world around me is not silent though. I can hear laughing and playful screams coming from Suzie's window as she and Steven do whatever they're doing. I don't dare peek inside, knowing that it'll only hurt more to know how happy she and her husband are. I just sit silently, my gun propped beneath my chin, waiting for me to pull the trigger at any moment.

"I don't want you to leave." Suzie's soft voice floated out, filling my ears.

"I don't want to go... But I've got to. You know that. Without me... This nation would be in ruins." Steve joked.

"I know... What if I came with you?"

"With me. To Syria? I thought you wanted to stay here so you could be near your parents!"

"I do... But... I don't know... After what happened with John, I don't think I want to stay here anymore. I mean... He's a freak. And something tells me that mom is hiding something from me about him. I mean... People don't just wake up after being dead for days... They don't walk in front of busses and survive. Something about him just being here... It gives me the spooks. I mean, I let him live in my house, for God's sake. I feel like I need to get out. Start anew. I think being near my husband is best..." 

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah... Something bad's going to happen here... With him around. I just know it. There's going to be some freak alien invasion or something. I don't know. I just know that when it happens, I don't want to be here. I want to be as far away as I can possibly get."

"Honey, I think you're being a little paranoid."

"The guy came back from the dead. Twice. I don't trust him. I can't. There's something coming. I know I sound paranoid, but I can feel it."

"Okay. But I want you coming because you want to be there with me, not because you don't want to be here. You know how bad it sometimes can get up there."

"I know, but anywhere's better than this place when it goes down."

"Okay. I'll get it worked out. I'll see if I can come back in a few weeks, when you've got this place sold and you've got your stuff together. Then we'll go. Just you and me. We'll go back and we'll be far away from that John guy. Okay?"

"Okay... Thank you so much, Steven... I love you..."

"I love you too..."

I could hear kissing and laughing again now and it made me sick, but I decided to try and process what all had just happened instead. She was leaving with Steven to his army base in a matter of weeks. He was going to drag Suzie Queens away from me... He was going to take her away, my light, my hope, all I had...

She was leaving.

She was leaving because of me.

The taste of bile came up again and I felt like I was going to be sick. It wasn't like she was ever really mine to begin with or anything. It wasn't like she was leaving me on good terms. It wasn't like we were friends. She was leaving because I was here. She was going to go off with her husband to some place I'd never heard of...

I am done.

The hope was gone.

I am done.

There was a loud bang.

 Then nothing.