Finding her.. me

Gin

"You really think I'm crazy for still believing in those romantic fairy tales?" I breathe staring back at my reflection in the mirror. "You're 23! For crying out loud!"

The eye liner dripping out from underneath my eyes.

"Why can't you love yourself?" I mumble.

My eyes are falling short from view.

I hear a faint knock on the door that  interrupts my thoughts.

"Kiddo It's Ember,"

I wipe the dripping eye liner from my face trying to clear my throat and answer in a brittle tone of voice trying to mask the raspiness from crying "Yes, I'll be out in a minute."

"Umm, okay hun."

Ughh! Did I hate the word 'honey' or 'hun' it drove me up the fucking wall. My ex-girlfriend used to call me that and after we split up it always left a bitter taste in my mouth. I glanced in the mirror one last time and my face didn't appear to look bad. After a few minutes I open the door to exit my room.

"Guess what bitch!" Ember impatiently exclaimed

I wanted.. No, I needed to fuck her, to prove to myself it was just lust I was after.

The thought of just having sex feels complex as if I am trying to compensate for something I am lacking. As if trying to fill a void. Yet, making love sounds... intimate. I feel a tingling sensation in my gut and feel the moisture spread on my boxers.. almost like I forgot to dry off after showering. I am reminded of her moans filling my ears and her heartbeat thumping against my chest, her breast resting on mine. How'd she pinned my arms over my head and ride my–

"Hello," Ember emphasizing the word to interrupt my thoughts. "Gin" she snaps her fingers "Come back to planet Earth please!" She snaps again, rolling her eyes.

I sigh.

Ember's been on this rant..

"HELLO BITCH GUESS!?" Ember says a little louder to redirect my thoughts back to whatever conversation we were having. I wonder if she could visibly see the irritation.

"Who is it this time?"

Ember's face says it all. She has this salacious grin spreading across from one cheek to the other, one eyebrow raised, and eyes sparkling. "She is amazing! And for once I'm not the one spoiling. I get taken out, picked up, my door gets opened and not the other way around," she boasts.

"Sheeeesh, what are you in love?" I merely chuckle. That's good right?

"You still haven't guessed who it is."

"Are you fucking kidding Ember? That's not GUESS WHAT BITCH???"

"No it's not actually, the 'guess what' is about you." 

I really loathe this part of a friendship because she's my current bestie. Not everyone stays and not everyone goes. I'll give her props because she's taking the time to learn about me although it makes little sense to me because I hardly know myself.

"What about me, woman!?"

"Well if you don't fucking know. How the fuck would I know?." Ember quips.

I let out a sigh of relief although Ember's right. There's a moment of silence in the air that lingers in the air and her eyes haven't left my face. She's right I know that she knows I haven't been myself since me and my ex broke up.

 
Ember whispers "Come back."

I mean I'm not exactly sure what happened till this day, why or how exactly our wavelengths fell short or if we were ever on the same ocean waves.

Ember whispered.  "Come back to the planet, Earthling!" 

I know we shared something deeper than the sex and then she wanted a break. I don't do "breaks" , breaks are redundant to me. I'd just say you would want to mess around or what we have or had is dwindling. But don't fucking drag me along into-

Ember grabs my face, snapping me back into reality. "Mami, where did you go?"  A tear stings my face and I shake away from her grip.

"Nothi- nothing I just get lost in my thoughts ca..can..can we go now?" I ask Ember

For some reason when I hurt Ember can feel it all, I hardly show it but with Ember my pain is hers and vice versa.

The sun has begin to disappear over the horizon as we step outside. I can feel the brisk night air hit my cheeks. We slid into the car settling in. We didn't exactly have a destination in mind, but it was Ember's turn to pick the next move. The engine roars to life and before you know it we were cruising down the street. I'm rolling up a wood in the passenger seat while she turns on some music. It's a familiar artist Trippie Red. My favorite song is "Together".

I pass the wood to Ember as she's driving. We've been just strolling for maybe 30 minutes and I could just tell she had something on her mind. Grabbing her phone I flip through her playlist, nothing seems to gravitate towards my mood. So the silence is like a siren to our ears. 

The moon is cold tonight. We are supposed to catch a movie which was my move. Ember on the other hand wants me to meet this woman that's not her woman. Let's call it a fling. I'm rolling another wood to continue our hot box session to distract myself from overthinking about my ex.

We are pulling into her fling's driveway or I think it's her fling. Ember hops out the car letting all our beautiful creation out. Just wrong, no more hot box. I grunt and get out along with her to see who she ran to. To my guess her lil fling.

My eyes found them first. "Wow,"  I gasped.

I must say she found herself a stud. Maybe 5'4, 5'5. Thick curly hair, lips wide and full.  A dimple on the left side of her cheek, she's built like a he?

"Girl this her! This is the one I've been tellin' you about!!!"

This attractive Curly haired woman is leaning over the porch banister while she rolls her eyes "Baby you know ion like that shit," she says in a slick tone of voice.

I light up another wood which I always keep one on me just looking at what they have going on. I'm a little confused. Is she a she or a he? Did she or he catch an attitude, did y'all hear it? Before I walk over to them I take a couple deep breaths dragging my feet one after another. It eliminates the space between me and them. "Gin and you are?" I say in an assertive tone.

"I'm Tonie, Tonie Ray."