HUMILIATION of a SAMURAI

two MARGARET

THAT WAS THE DAY I LEFT THE APARTMENT FOR GOOD.

The moment it became clear I'd put faith and trust in someone who obstructed my development? Prevented me from connecting crucial dots? I didn't need a self-help book with a sternly worded title to understand I was living with a fucking bum and it was time to execute a remedy.

I delayed the arrival of that hard truth using all the tools in my child-of-divorce skillset.

A criminal talent for twisting the truth, honed through a lifetime of master classes taught by my mother.  A carnival barker's smiling knack for sensational promises and ripoff marketing inherited from Dad.

That was a constant and demanding hustle.  Dressing up an old act with a fresh wrapper, new lighting and selling myself another season ticket to the same shitty show.  Pretending the years I spent waiting for childish hopes to harden into something real weren't squandered, but wisely invested.

If you can lie to yourself and make it stick?  That's how you know you've earned your black belt in bullshit.

Nothing is more effective at blurring or burying the borders of the real, authentic You than feeling responsible for someone who gives back like a black hole.  That's the power of denial.  It creeps up on your critical thinking, gets it in a cozy Stockholm headlock and chokes reason out cold.

Escaping that delusion was like surviving a deadly disease.  Instead of walking into the white light I woke the fuck up, immunized against further infection.  After that it was impossible to justify the cost.  I'm talking about the cost of me, spent day after day in big sums and small change.

Sound familiar?  Not sure? 

Then you better run the numbers.  Make an honest evaluation.

A personal profit and loss statement will reveal connections that generate worthy returns on your investment of self.  These are the parts that press together tight in all the right places to turn your hustle into special sauce, that fuel that wakes you up and makes you go. 

A thorough audit will also identify negative sums written in red ink at the bottom line.

These are the things that take and drain. Paths and choices, individuals and organizations unlikely to convert the life you live now into the shiny new scenario you dream of waking up in someday.

Once you identify a deficit, you've got choices to make.  And you'd best keep it scientific.

Dad was indicted the summer before my senior year.  That fall I was sent to boarding school in Ohio where nobody knew I was the girl whose father was convicted at trial on charges of racketeering, insider trading and wire fraud.  Those were the days before the Internet, when a thousand miles of distance could shield a kid from the fallout of a parent's public disgrace.

My mother had faded from the picture by then.  Dad sent his attorney to stand in for him on Parents' Day and I introduced him as Uncle Evan when we met with my academic advisor.  Evan referred to a list of questions typed on Dad's corporate letterhead and as he filled a legal tablet with scribbled notes, I realized Dad knew he wouldn't be at liberty to attend this meeting.  He knew it all the way back then, before the feds seized his corporation and froze his domestic assets.  He was well aware his time was running out.

I flew to Boston on Spring Break.  Met Uncle Evan coming in from Dubai and we left Logan International in a rented car to tour colleges.  When we stopped for lunch he rubbed his tired eyes with the heels of his hands, pushed his steak salad aside.  Opened his briefcase and placed a folded sheet of federal prison stationery beside my plate of fries.