Shield One Shots (WWE)

Pathetic Lifelines

Why do the simplest things always cause the most heartache?

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God it's stupid. It's so stupid. It's stupid and pathetic and dumb and cheep, and yet it's the truth.

How could something so small affect me in such a huge way?

Three guys. Three completely normal guys that formed a group right before the world was supposed to end. Three guys layered in black with a strange need to bring justice into other people's lives. They weren't special, a year ago I hardly knew they existed. Why all the sudden did they have such an impact on my life?

I mean, I've always known I haven't been interested in typical things like most girls. I never watched Jersey Shores, I didn't like going to parties, I hated shoes, I refused to trust anyone other than a few close friends. But a trio of men in their late twenties decked in swat gear had never caught my attention before.

But, they did. And I started to like them. No, I started to adore them. I fell head over heels in love with Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and Roman Reigns. And man, for a few months it was great. They made me so happy. I was always smiling, I'd gained confidence, and I started to finally think a little better of myself. My life felt perfect and everything was bliss.

Until June 2, 2014 at approximately eleven at night when my spotless world came crashing down.

I felt like my heart was being torn in half. And with every passing day, it ripped more and more and more until it finally broke in half. It was on my mind all day everyday. I always talked about how much it bothered me and how affected I was by it, but in the process of trying to get closure I ended up pushing away the only people I cared about.

Trust became entirely dead to me.

And it shouldn't have happened. It's a scripted television show for entertainment for crying out loud! But the fact of the matter is when I love something, I attach myself to it. It becomes my life source and I feel as if I can't live without it. And when your life source is taken away from you without warning, you don't know what to do. All you can think of doing is praying each and every night that things will get better and that maybe your provider will come back. But it won't. With every passing second you realize how silly your wishes sound. But you keep trying, throwing your prayers away into a black oblivion.

And it kills me. It kills me to know that I'll never be able to see them in person. I'll never be able to thank them. I'll never be able to tell them how much all three of them as a unit helped me and inspired me. They'll never know and no one else will ever care about how much that knife twists and turns in my heart.

I know it's dumb and pathetic for me to be writing about how a fake breakup tore me up so much. But they were all I had left. I'd put all my trust, faith, confidence, and love into some stupid faction in wrestling. You have no idea how many times people have told me to just get over it and accept the fact that the three of them are just no more.

But I can't. And I don't want to. I want to believe that the one thing that brought me closer to my family will come back. I want to believe that the people that helped me love myself will reform into the brotherhood they once were.

But they won't. And I'll keep quietly crying to myself about how stupid I am for not getting over them.

- El ♥