Wandering Fireflies

Chapter 32: Breathe

Song: Invincible by Hedley ft. P. Reign

I woke up this morning, drenched in sweat and gasping for air. Even sleep was no escape.

The first thing I noticed was the familiar scent of cologne wafting through the room. It didn't take me long to realize that I was in Vance's room. But where was he?

I couldn't control it, as my thoughts took over me. My heart started to race and it was getting hard to breathe.

He left.

Because that's what everyone in my life did. They couldn't stand me, I was that awful. Why even bother trying to be the kind of person that everyone liked? Everyone will just hate me, I was unlovable. I had no one-

"Hey, you're awake!" said Vance as he entered the room, quickly sitting down beside me. "Sorry, I was just in the bathroom." The dark circles around his eyes were enough to tell me that he was up all night.

"I-I thought you left," I choked. It didn't register that this was in fact his house.

Vance shook his head. "I meant it when I said that I was here for you." His smile did nothing to convince me.

I really wanted to trust him but I just couldn't. I couldn't trust anyone anymore. People don't really care, they're just nosy, aren't they?

"It's okay, I'm fine now," I lied, flashing Vance my most sincere smile. But somehow, in that little time that we knew each other, he had managed to figure out so much about me.

"Why don't you trust me?" he asked with a hint of sadness in his voice.

"I can't," I replied, my voice barely above a whisper. Vance simply nodded, seeming to understand.

"How do you feel?" As much as he tried to hide it, I knew that Vance was nervous. Talking about these things was something he never did.

"You don't have to-"

"I want to help you, Zaavan. Because you mean so much to me and it sucks knowing that you can't see that," he said softly.

I took a deep breath. "Basically the same," I breathed, looking down. Vance slowly took my hand in his.

This simple gesture caused a reaction in me. I tensed up. I didn't want anyone touching me, showing any kind of affection to the body I hated so much.

Sensing my discomfort, Vance withdrew his hand. But something felt wrong.

Vance looked down at his hand to see blood on his palm. Before he even opened his mouth, I pulled up my sleeves. What was the point of even trying to hide anything anymore?

"Did you-"

"Yeah."

We both stared at the blood gushing out from the cuts that I had made the day before, the wounds having reopened.

"Come on, you should get cleaned up," he said softly, once the initial shock had passed.

Vance grabbed me a new shirt and some bandages while I washed the blood from my arms. I couldn't even feel the pain.

For a minute, there was only the sound of running water, washing away the dark, sticky blood. Once we were back on Vance's bed, me being washed up and changed, he spoke.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked hesitantly.

"No," I deadpanned.

"Zaavan, can we please talk about this" he pleaded, his eyes brimming with tears. I doubt either of us have cried this much in our lives before.