Dil Jaanta Hai | ✔

fifty-two

I didn't reply to her instantly as I entered my house. Arnav was still at the party, but I had called it a night.

"Is baar bhi khana achha nahi thha kya? Ratan se kehkar dinner lagwa du tere liye?"

"Nahi Daadi," I averted my gaze from her. "Bhookh nahi hai."

Making a beeline for my room, I closed the bathroom door behind me. Tears weren't even clouding my eyes. It was just the uncanny feeling that was clouding my chest, literally eating me alive. Turning on the tap, I splashed some water on my face.

Arvika Deewan never felt guilty.

But hell, if there was a feeling worse than guilt, it had been clawing on my insides like no tomorrow.

Hell, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I didn't even know if I reproached my old being or the one I was slowly becoming. I wasn't emotionless, but I was slowly becoming someone who wore emotions on her sleeves.

I hated both the versions.

"Puttar," Daadi was knocking on the door, "sab ttheek tho haina?"

I wanted to shout an yes, but I was busy explaining to myself why I was waiting for the tears to flow. Why I was hating myself. Why I was feeling guilty.

I turned on the shower to let her realise I might not have heard her. Eventually she did leave. This feeling didn't.

¿¤?

In the library, Armaan Qureshi sat with me to decribe the concept of complex numbers. True to its name, nothing about it seemed to be simple.

"No," he exclaimed, "this is the argand plane, Arvika."

I was worried he'd be giving up on my dumb brain soon enough, but after heaving a sigh, his optimist side was back. "Okay, let's do it this way. I suppose you remember the Cartesian Plane? X and Y axes...?"

I wanted to point out that by bringing in another mathematical concept in an already complex concept, he was stirring the pot of mayhem for me, but I didn't. I was too preoccupied.

"Uhm," he cleared his throat. "Arvika? Is everything okay?"

That was his staple question these days. I shrugged, I couldn't utter a fine without thinking about what I had done.

Manipulative bitch.

"It's math," I said to him. "How can anything be finer than this?"

Giving a slight nod, he laughed, "Sarcasm noted. Anyways, I think we should head back to the class. The warning bell rang a minute ago."

"Sure," I said. "You go, I need to check out a few books."

"Yeah, and you should join Comedy Circus. It would definitely be in profits then."

I punched him in the shoulder, but he complied nonetheless. "I was just suggesting, alright. Itna violent mat ho."

"Whatever," I bit back, watching him leave.

And then, finally released the breath I had been holding. This was not me. On rare occasions did I regret my choices, and I was definitely not regretting finding out Karan's history.