What is High School?

Chapter Sixteen: Junior Year: #metoo

The events I will be talking about didn't happen to me in high school. In fact the reason why I am posting this is because of my favorite youtuber. He made a #metoo video and I started thinking about some things I haven't thought about in a long time.

Watching his video allowed me to think for the first time that it wasn't my fault. So when I spiral, I don't get depressed. In fact I can pull myself out of the spiral now. Hearing everything he said encouraged me to speak about what happened to me, and I hope that by me sharing this piece of my life with you guys, you can gain courage too.

So if this kind of this triggers you, or makes you uncomfortable, then don't read this chapter. Here is goes.

When I was eleven years old I was sexually assaulted by someone very close to me. Someone I had known all my life. We were sleeping in my living room and in the middle of the night we were both still wide awake.

He shoved his tongue down my throat.

I pushed him away and told him to stop, so I turned over and tried to go to sleep. He pulled me to him by the waist and grinded against me. Then pulled down my pants and attempted to have anal sex with me. Since there was no penetration it wasn't rape. But it is still sexual assault.

I couldn't get away...I couldn't pull away from him, so I had to just lay there and wait for him to let me go.

This wasn't a one time thing, this happened all summer. I was more than happy when it was time for him to go home.

Not even a year later I went into the eighth grade. I was twelve by this time, and I had gotten into a relationship with a boy who was already fifteen almost sixteen.

This was an ongoing thing throughout our entire relationship. He would touch my butt even though I didn't like it. He would touch me in inappropriate ways that I told him over a million times not to do, I don't like that. But he kept doing it.

I felt trapped. I didn't leave him because I felt like I was worthless. Like no one else would ever want me, and if I didn't want to be alone I had to stay with him. Then I moved, and it turned out to be a very good thing.

I remember thinking that I would never find love again, that I would never be able to be sexually attracted to anyone ever again. Hell that I would even be able to love anyone, because the people who hurt me were both people I loved.

That wasn't the case. Yes I was hurt for a long time, and it took a long time for me to trust. I hated the mention of sex, hated thinking about it. Now...I don't mind. I don't get uncomfortable when people talk about it.

I was wrong when I thought no one would ever like me. Not to sound cocky but quite a few people did. When I thought I would never fall in love again...I was wrong. I actually really love someone right now.

I don't think she knows though, because I'm still learning how to show love. It's ok, I'll figure it out.

She doesn't like to be out online. She likes her privacy, but I can say she reads what I write on here. She won't believe it when she reads this, but that's ok. I wouldn't believe it either.

The point of this chapter is to maybe help you to feel less alone. To let you know it is not your fault, it never was and never will be. You are loved and you can get through this. Have a good day...

#metoo