I Guess, I'm A Sad Sack

• ONE •

"Hi everyone, my name is Orabelle  - which means beautiful seacoast. My parents love the sea and ironically I was born on the beach as well. Anyway I'm here because I'm depressed - I think."

"Hi Orabelle," everyone in the support group says in unison.

"Why is it that you think you're depressed?" The head of the support group, Lucy asks me.

"Well I'm not exactly sure what depression feels like but it feels like I am sometimes - I don't know." I say confused and shrugging my shoulders.

"Well what is depression to you?" She asks me.

"Depression is..." I start, as my heart begins to beat crazy fast. I try to calm down and breathe and then I begin to speak again, "an undescribable feeling, I...I can't describe it. It's like being very happy one minute and then being extremely sad the next and confused and lost and horny or angry - its everything in one. It's like I have a vanilla ice cream everyday and I have fifty toppings to chose from. And because I don't know which toping to chose someone just has to come and put every single toping on in hopes that tomorrow I'll know what toping I'll actually want. But then I don't and I get more confused cause now I can't eat my ice cream cause I have too many toppings on and that's how I feel. Like someone has just come and dumped all these emotions on me and now I'm forced to handle it but I just can't because I don't know how to!" I finish with tears stinging my eyes.

"Who is this person dumping all these emotions on you?" Lucy asks.

"What the fuck type of question is that? If I knew who it was I wouldn't be here now would I?" I shout losing my temper a little.

"I guess, unless that person is you." She says. That got me, I don't know why but it stirred something deep inside of me that didn't need to be stirred.

The rest of the support group meeting was me sitting there and listening to everyone's problems. I felt bad. One girl named Kira lost both her parents and that's why she was depressed, she spent time in the depression hospital and finally got better and stopped cutting herself.

Another girl lost her brother to suicide and in his suicide letter blamed her. A guy named Cole was depressed because of bullies at school, who made fun of him for being gay.

There are twenty people in this circle, one is a therapist trying to help the people who are depressed and then there is me. I'm not even sure I am depressed because compared to what everyone else is going through I'm just a sad sack. A big old brown sad sack!

"Orabelle?" I heard Lucy saying, snapping me out of my sad sack thoughts. I saw everyone standing up around the circle and all eyes were on me. I immediately jumped up and listened to what was being said.

"At the end of every session we close with a little mantra." Lucy said looking at me.

"I am enough, I deserve to be loved and I deserve happiness." Lucy said and everyone repeated. "I do not need the approval of others for I love myself and that's all that matters."

"I do not need the approval of others for I love myself and that's all that matters."  I say after her. That weirdly felt good.

~•~

"Please Ora, just stop leaving such a mess! We've been through this who knows how many times." My mother shouted.

"But I didn't make this mess, its not fair that I now have to clean it!" I shout.

"Don't talk back to me young lady, clean up this mess - NOW!" She yelled.

"Okay."

"Okay what?"

"Okay mother." I say irritated. I bend down and begin to pick up the clothes that scatter the floor. I put them in the washing machine and start it, I wash the dishes, dry and put them away.

When I was done doing the chores of the entire household I tell my mother I'm going out. She didn't have time to refuse because I walked out the door.

I walk down the street to the park and sit on the bench and just begin to sing random songs. I look around myself and down at my dark legs poking through my ripped red jeans.

"My thighs are poking out my red jeans, while I sit here on this park bench and day dream.

I wish that I was on mars or maybe amongst the stars instead of on this earth.

Where it feels like I'm drowning in my own tears cause I won't turn around and fight my fears. Ba-ba-ba-ba I'm sitting on a park bench. Ba-ba-ba-ba I wish life wasn't such a bitch."  I sang out.

"Wow, what a song? Was that off the top of your head?"  I heard a voice from behind me ask. I turn around and see a girl with long baby pink dyed hair, bright green eyes and a nose piercing. She had a thin but curvaceous body with a small oval face and friendly but tough exterior.

"Um yeah it was kind of off the top of my head." I said looking at her as she came round to sit on the bench.

"Thats cool, you've got some good rhyming skills and a beautiful singing voice. I'm Luna by the way, what's your name?"

"I'm Orabelle, nice to meet you. And thanks for the compliments."

"No problem. So you're into singing?" She asks me.

"No not really, it just distracts me from life I guess." I say looking off at the trees blowing in the wind.

"What's wrong with life that you need a distraction?" She asks while looking at me with her big beautiful green eyes.

Tears start to form in my eyes as I think of a response. "I'm really not sure, sometimes I just...I don't know, I start to feel something inside that I really do not know and it consumes me and makes me feel shattered and alone. But then the feeling never lasts long, but I hate when it comes around in any case because it hurts so bad and I just can't take it sometimes." I say with a few extra tears running from my eyes. I stand up and walk around the bench.

"I fricken hate crying" I say to Luna whilst letting out a dry laugh.

"I'm sorry, but you know its good to get these things out." She says sincerely and stands up and opens her arms for a hug. 

"No I'm sorry but if I hug you I'm gonna start crying even more." I say to her and quickly wiping the tears around my eyes. "I'm fine, I'm fine."

"Alright, you look really pretty when you cry." She said to me pushing my black hair behind my ear and rubbing my recently tear stained cheek.

"Thanks - I think." I said then looked down.

"My pleasure. I've got a plan to make you feel better, let's go out." She said excitedly.

"My parents won't allow that. I practically never go out." I say smiling and rolling my eyes.

"Well then just sneak out." Luna says. I thought about it, she gave me her phone and asked me to place my number in it.

"I'll see you later." She said whilst winking at me and walking away.

"Bye." I said in a small voice. As she walked away.

As I sat back down, I was once again drowned in the whistling of the wind and the blowing trees of the green park. I was, yet again - alone.

~•~
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