Freaks and Geeks - Season Too!!!! (SATIRE!)

S02E01 - Cut Day (Part 6)

His head buried deep in the textbook, Mr. Donahue read the text in front of him in a very monotone voice, boring those in his Social Studies class just like he had every day for the past 27 years of his career. As he licked his finger to turn the page, he peered up at the class and realized half the students were missing. Shaking his head, he continued to read on the next page, once again peering up as he lathered his thumb in spit to change the page. The only student in the room was a grinning, nodding Daniel Desario.

Confused, Mr. Donahue stared at him for a moment before speaking. "Daniel where did everyone go? Why are you even here, anyway? You're not in this class."

Daniel's gloating mug quickly changed to an expression of shock as he jumped from his seat and hastily collected his belongings, booking it to the correct class.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town in the really shitty Denny's on nine mile road, Ken and Nick sat at a booth across from their respective girlfriends, Amy Andrews and Sara Such-A-Throwaway-Character-She-Didn't-Even-Get-A-Last-Name. Around them, the restaurant was filled with other classmates and teachers who took advantage of Cut Day. The staff were frantic, trying to serve a place that was bursting at the seams when there were never enough waiters or cooks to meet the demands of the place at even half of its jam-packed capacity. While the manager sat with a large smile on his face, rubbing his fingers together as if there are stack of cash or coins between them, his staff were finding various ways to off themselves over the pressure. Dunking their heads in the deep fryer, jamming their wet hands in toasters and sealing themselves in gigantic Ziploc bags were the most popular methods.

Amy frowned, unsure if she should talk about what she witnessed at the beach, but not being able to hold it in any more. "Guys," she finally sighed, causing the laughter around the table to die down. "Today, at the beach, I saw..."

She grew quiet and Ken reached over the table and slowly, carefully, lovingly... picked her nose. After he finished roto-rootering her nasal cavity, he gently wiped a boogie on her cheek and reached down, warmly covering her hand with his own. "What is it, baby? What's wrong?"

"I saw the Loch Ness Monster!" she admitted, breaking into tears.

Everyone was astonished.

"That... that's amazing!" Sara beamed in a slight stupor.

"Shut up, disco bitch! Nobody likes you!" Amy blubbered through her tears.

Ken shook his head. "No, babe, that really is amazing! You shouldn't be crying about it. What was it doing when you saw it?"

Amy cried harder before answering, "Dying, because I also shot it through the heart, dragged it home, did some quick taxidermy and mounted it on the wall above my bed."

"You're a monster!" Nick yelled, slamming his pea-mash milkshake on the table. "That was probably an endangered species... or something. Right?"

Ken looked disgusted. "What's wrong with you? Now I'm gonna bump my head on its dick or whatever every time we have sex!"

Frantically shaking her head from side to side and twisting her face up as she gagged, Sara leaned over and puked into one of the waitress' apron pockets.

"Oh yeah? Well... well..." Desperate to remove the aura of shame from herself, Amy latched onto another sight she witnessed at the beach. "I also saw Kim cuddling up with some football player! So... that's way worse, right? Daniel's gonna freak!"

Nick, Ken and Sara shared blank looks with one another before all shrugging in unison.

"No," they said concurrently.

"Daniel and Kim stayed broken up! Duh!" Sara informed. "Didn't you read the interview with Paul Feig in Vanity Fair a few years back?"

"Wait, wait, wait," Nick said after he spent a solid minute trying to suck up a single gulp of his milkshake. "How come you guys instantly believe Amy saw the Loch Ness Monster, and killed it, but you all laughed at me the entire way here when I told you Lindsay wouldn't come with us because she was too busy having a discussion with a talking, sunbathing, majestic seagull?"

Ken, Sara and Amy all looked at one another as smirks grew on their faces before they all roared in laughter.

"You're such a jokester, Nicky," Sara snorted, stuffing six whole Bavarian Cream doughnuts in her mouth.