Freaks and Geeks - Season Too!!!! (SATIRE!)

S02E01 - Cut Day (Part 3)

Neal walked into the large room and his eyes widened in bewilderment. He had never seen so many homeless people in one place... then he remembered: he was at school and it was lunchtime. With his hands in his pockets, he began to skip to the table his friends were at. Sam and Bill sat at their usual spot, their lunch trays almost overflowing with countless half-pint milk cartons, 2% for Sam and chocolate for Bill. Neal skidded to a stop at their table and took a seat.

"Hey, you guys remember that girl who said her daddy worked for D.A.R.P.A.?"

The other two just nodded. Sipping their milk and just nodding, nodding, nodding.

"Well, I went through her backpack looking for panties..." Neal stared off dreamily for a moment, drool leaking from his bottom lip. He suddenly blinked hard and shook his head, sending spittle everywhere. "But I found this instead!"

He held up a little device in his hand, one that looked like a walkie-talkie. He held his hand up so high that he made a face from stretching his weak muscles too much. "God, how do they do it?" he groaned as he let his arm fall onto the table. "How does anyone hold their arm up to answer a question in class?"

Sam and Bill looked unimpressed. They just keep sipping their milk, not even nodding anymore.

Neal groaned and rolled his eyes, clearing his throat a moment later as he continued. "What's that you ask, Sam? Why I don't know what this unique device is... but I have instructions!" He reached into his back pocket, digging for the small piece of paper in it. He leaned over so far that he released a squeaky fart as he pulled the paper out. Even though his face flushed red with embarrassment, he quickly recovered. "Oh, Bill, how could you?"

Unfazed, Bill threw his empty chocolate milk container over his shoulder and grabbed another, opening it gently and continuing to take small, incessant sips.

"So, according to this," Neal mumbled, squinting as he glanced over the small print on the paper, "the S.I.C. Stick was designed for crowd control. The Systemic Incontinence Conducer emits a pulse that-"

"Systemic In-whoee Con-whatee?" Bill interrupted, spitting chocolate milk as he spoke. "Sounds like that name's just something the writer made up! Why not just call it a 'sick stick' and get it over with? They had one in Minority Report."

"Oh, and Kick-Ass 2!" Sam chimed in. "That thing looks exactly like the one from that movie!"

"Ugh," Bill shuddered. "Don't bring that up; that was a horrible movie!"

"Guys!" Neal criticized in a harsh whisper, "we've talked about this before! It's only 1981 now! Those movies don't come out for a long, long time! Do you two want to get sued or something? You're breaking the fourth wall! Now, apologize to the reader!"

Bill and Sam turned their attention to you, looking mildly ashamed. "We're sorry for breaking your immersion, reader. Please continue and we won't do it again," they both spoke in a unified, monotone voice.

"...this episode," Bill quietly snuck in as he turned back in his seat.

Neal glared at him. "What did you just say?"

"Oh, um..." He pointed to the number pad on the device where there were nine gray squares labeled one through nine. "I said, 'numerical code.' It looks like numerical code." He quickly went back to sipping his milk.

"Ah, yes," Neal nodded, a smug look spread across his face as he read the instructions. "This emits a pulse that creates spontaneous, hyperactive systemic reactions when the correct neurological code is locked in. Let's see..." His eyes skimmed the few codes that had been scribbled onto the paper. "123 causes... vomiting and diarrhea!"

"Gross!" Sam whined, throwing a half-empty milk carton behind him and hitting one of the school's bullies, Alan White, in the face.

Alan stumbled back, 2% milk dripping down his face, and scowled at the back of Sam's head, moving towards the boy with the intent of teaching him a lesson with his fists. He slipped in a puddle of milk with his second step and his head bounced off the laminate floor, knocking him unconscious. Students merely walked over his comatose body.

"176 causes a... thunderclap headache? What the hell is that?" Neal looked up to his two friends, who only shrugged in return.

He returned the shrug and continued to read. "269 causes..." His eyes widened and then a large smile spread across his face. "Intense orgas-"

"What are you geeks doing?" Kim Kelly, the undisputed queen of school bullies, demanded, standing in front of the trio's table with her hands on her hips.

Neal quickly hid the S.I.C. Stick behind his back, waving off the blonde with the paper still in his hands. "Oh nothing, just talking about our regular stuff... like snails and... dildos. Right, guys?"

Sam enthusiastically nodded while Bill simply shrugged his shoulders; both boys continued to sip their milk.

Kim quickly snatched the paper from Neal's hand, earning only a whimper of protest from the boy. As she read it, a confused look overtook her face. "What the hell is this thing, kid? Is it what you're hiding behind your back?"

"No."

"Lemme see."

"No! Don't make me kick you!" Neal called out, literally standing up to the blonde defiantly.

Frustrated, Kim sighed and poked Neal in the eye and kicked him in the shin as retaliation for his threat.

"Ouchies! My eye-shin!" he shrieked in a girly voice, hopping on one leg and covering his eye while he huffed snot from his nose, and released another small, stinky fart at the surprise of it all.

"Gross, geek!" Kim yelled, holding her nose and grabbing the stick from him. She skimmed the instructions, quickly finding the toggle rocker switch that was located under the red safety cover. Switching the device on, it whirred to life as the five green lights on the top of it became illuminated. Looking at the codes quickly, she punched in three digits and smiled. "Let's see if this works..."

She flicked her wrist, causing the antenna of the machine to expand outward like a collapsible baton and snap into place. Just as Neal was beginning to recover from the first eye-poke, Kim prodded him in the other eye with the antenna. Instead of yelling about his other hurt eyeball, Neal proceeded to puke and poop his pants all over; the combined smell spreading quickly and creating its own sense of nausea.

"Neat Schweeber, you're disgusting!" Cindy Sanders yelled from across the cafeteria while Kim backed away and laughed.

"It's Neal SCHWEIBER!" Neal yelled back between bouts of projectile vomit, most of it landing on Alan's unconscious face. "And suck my dick, bish!"

Suddenly, the cafeteria doors burst open and Daniel ran in like a madman, panting for breath and sweating profusely. "Everyone," he shouted, still catching his breath, "I gotta make this quick so I can get back to auto shop class before the teach notices I'm gone, but... today is Cut Day! That means we gotta cut every class or we're not cool! Do you wanna be geeks like those guys?!" He pointed to the table where Neal, Sam and Bill were and the whole of the cafeteria booed, geeks included.

"Well then cut the rest of your classes!" Daniel continued, being met with cheers at his words this time. "Go to that really shitty Denny's on nine mile road, or go watch a movie or go to the beach or... go back to that shitty Denny's on nine mile! Just get outta here!"

Chanting 'Cut Day!' and pumping their fists in the air, almost all of the people in the cafeteria fled the school... even the teachers who were keeping order in the place.

The only people left were Sam, Neal, Bill, an unconscious Alan, and Daniel. The latter had another huge grin plastered on his face as he nodded at his work. Over half the school had now joined in on Cut Day.

"Alive! It's alive!" he shouted with joy, arching his back and raising his hands above his head. "IT'S ALIVE!"

👻 👻👻👻👻👻     

Don't forget to VOTE, please! Thanks!