Freaks and Geeks - Season Too!!!! (SATIRE!)

S02E01 - Cut Day (Part 1)

WARNING: Don't read this if you don't like reading! Or if you don't like episodes that are over, um... 1, 2, 3, 4... *author continues counting* ... and 31. Okay, don't read this if you don't like episodes that are over 6,731 words long, because this one now has a few more than that (that's about a half-hour of reading for the average reader), spread over, like, 8 parts. Okay, bye!

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"Oh man, you wanna hear something way messed up?" Daniel Desario asked his friends as they congregated under the bleachers of the William McKinley High School football field.

His friends, Ken Miller, Nick Andopolis and Mark That-Drug-Dealer-Guy, all just stared at him in silence, waiting for him to continue with a smile on their faces.

"I had a dream last night that today was Cut Day!"

Confused, his friends shared odd looks with one another before turning their attention back to Daniel.

"What the hell is Cut Day?" Ken asked, his voice laced with sarcasm... and maybe arsenic. Nobody really knew.

Still smiling, Daniel shrugged and answered, "It's a day where, you know, everyone cuts classes for the whole day and, like, hangs out at the beach or somethin'."

"Okay, so what's so messed up about that?" Nick asked in a goofy tone, clearly already high as a kite off of marijuana and Tide pods.

"That we don't have no Skip Day!" Daniel yelled, slapping his friend across the face with a rubber chicken.

"I thought it was Cut Day..." Mark corrected, snickering.

Daniel proceeded to beat the man to a bloody pulp with the rubber chicken, yelling, "I meant Cut Day! And I'm gonna make it happen, just you wait and see. Everyone's gonna cut by the end of the day!"

It was a good start, as Mark had to cut the rest of the day to go to the hospital.

On the other side of the football field, a trio of geeks, Sam Weir, Neal Schweiber and Bill Haverchuck, were all laughing as they reenacted scenes from their newest favorite movie, Mommie Dearest.

"I don't ask much from you, girl. Why can't you give me the respect that I'm entitled to?" Sam bellowed in his best Joan Crawford impersonation.

"NO WIRE HANGERS!!!!!!!!!!" Neal screamed in an equally horrible impersonation and all three boys fell into hysterics. They certainly had an odd sense of humor.

"You really like being weird don't you, Sam Weird!" Alan White, one of the school's most notorious bullies, suddenly spoke and the trio of geeks could feel the atmosphere of the day change around them. Following behind the bully were his two nameless, mute cronies.

"I just really like watching one woman choke another," Sam defended weakly, looking down at the ground as he spoke.

"Well I really like creamin' geeks like you in the face! With my penis!" Alan shouted, stopping his two cohorts in their tracks as they looked at him in disgust.

Realizing his mistake, he quickly tried to backtrack. "I mean, my fist!! I'm gonna cream you in the face with my fist!" Nervously, his eyes darted around, trying to make sure he had said the right thing. "And I WON'T jizz in my pants while I do it, probably." Alan proceeded to push Sam into a wall, making sure to give him dual purple nurples in the process.

"OW!" Sam hissed, rubbing his sore, useless nipples. "Leave me alone, Alan! You're just mad you didn't have a meaningful arc in season one!" Sam yelled, noticing his friends were moving away and trying to make themselves small.

"It's fightin' time, queer! I always wondered what it'd be like to fuck a girl." He immediately grimaced and slapped his forehead. "I mean FIGHT a girl! Like you!"

Confused by the continued stumbles, Sam looked at his tormentor quizzically. "Alan, are you gay?"

Stunned, Alan fell back, almost falling over his own feet as he backed up. "What? NO! Being gay is gay and it's for gay dudes! I ain't gay! I only sometimes dream wonderful dreams about suckin' dick!"

Confusion continued to riddle Sam's face until he caught sight of something flying through the air. "Alan! Watch out!"

Turning slightly, Alan simply reached upwards and caught a football that was on a collision course with his face. "Haha, Weir! I betcha thought that was gonna work, didn't you? I'm still gonna beat your sweet, sweet ass!"

"No, look out!" Sam once again yelled, his face pulled back in terrified anticipation.

Alan looked over again, and was instantly tackled by one of the practicing football players who was suffering from 'roid rage and saw him as the enemy with the ball. More and more football players piled onto the tackle as both the geeks and Alan's cronies left the area.

"Ohhhhhhh, I'm in HEAVEN!" Alan could be heard screaming under the pile. "And I can't feel my legs."