Play Me That Song

8

I wake up the next morning to an empty bed. I guess two days is all it takes to get accustomed to waking up in Beau’s arms and hearing “good morning beautiful” first thing. I feel cold without him near me…and not just physically.

A part of me wishes I hadn’t gone down the hall to find him cooking breakfast with Luke while Emma played with her phone at the kitchen table. A part of me wishes I hadn’t gotten that warm, fuzzy feeling inside when he turned to smile at me after I entered the room. A part of me wishes I hadn’t stolen kisses from him later in the day when I was packing my bag to go to the studio and he was packing his bag to go back to Nashville. A part of me wishes I hadn’t winked at him and replied “You better” when he said he would hit me up later.

I wish I would have stayed in my bed that morning and wrapped myself in a giant blanket cocoon, so I could learn to keep myself warm. Maybe then it wouldn’t feel so empty without him here. I had spent our last hours together interjecting as much of his warmth as I could, that in the following days without him I feel like I'm freezing.

I haven't felt this dire need to be near him the entire time we were separated. Sure, there were moments I missed him; I’m not heartless. But I didn't felt this debilitating desire since we first split. Maybe that’s because I was holding onto all that bitterness. To be honest, I should still have that to keep me warm at night. It’s not like we have discussed any real issues between us, or even established where we are in our relationship. That impromptu speech I gave on Emma’s show was the closest we ever got.

Ugh, what are we?

And why do we care so much?

Beau kept true to his word and did indeed hit me up later. Judging by the time stamps, he must have texted me as soon as he got back to his apartment. I had missed it initially, since I was in the middle of a class when he sent it. I couldn’t contain the smile that spread across my face when I saw the notification. We kept up a steady stream of texts and snaps throughout the rest of the evening and well into the night.

It felt as if the distance between us on the map grew every day. Nashville was only a couple of hours away. If I didn’t have so many commitments, there would be no reason I couldn’t just get into my car and drive there any time I wanted to. The idea of doing just that began to overwhelm my thoughts. He had done it for me after all.

Yeah, to support you. Not just to show up, and…what? What happens after you get there?

At least my inner voice had some sense about her, because it seemed as if Beau had taken all of mine back to Nashville with him. She was right though-what was I expecting on the other side of that drive? To fall into his embrace and declare how much I had missed him? Or just to hang out and watch movies like old friends?

I don't know what to do about this anymore, and I don't know where to turn for advice. The only two people I trust enough to ask for advice on this situation are Emma and Luke. I already know Luke will tell me to follow my heart or some other romantic crap like that. Despite his tough “bro” exterior, Luke has always been a softie. The only problem with that is I don’t know what my heart wants.

I already know Emma would tell me to back off, to distance myself. I thought about that week between waking up next to Beau and him showing up outside the studio. I thought about how he had hardly ever contacted me and how I had been okay with that. Sure, our initial response after seeing each other for the first time in a while was pretty steamy. Once we were apart again, though, we had automatically distanced ourselves. Maybe that’s the natural state of our relationship. Maybe we were only so close and touchy this past weekend because talking about our relationship made us remember old feelings. Maybe we were only fanning the embers of a burnt out fire, hoping to ignite something bigger.