December Boys (BxB) | ✓

Chapter 29 - Among the Tombstones

I nodded. "Yeah, it was bad. The thing is, I rejected her, and I don't entirely know why."

"You don't love her?"

"I do— or, I thought I did, but," I bit my lip. "Not the right way."

Seth put his lunch away, tucking the transparent Tupperware box back into his bag. He had a gentle expression on his face when he met my eyes.

"You mean you...?"

"I don't know!" I exclaimed, bending forward to conceal my face. "She was really eager to fast-forward things, but I wasn't into it. I thought if I waited long enough I'd come around to it, but..." My shoulders slumped, and the sand-colored grass appeared even duller than it was. "But I didn't."

"Hey," Seth's hand landed on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. His playful eyes were warm now, when I dared meet them. "It's okay, man. If it wasn't right, it wasn't. You'll meet someone later that will be." Another reassuring squeeze. "I guarantee it."

"I'm not so sure, man," I said, but returned his smile. Seth always knew how to make me feel better, even if what he said may not always be the truth. I didn't know what the truth was either, but I did know I had a second thing to tell Seth.

"So, uh..."

"There's more?"

"Well, this is the part where you might make fun of me."

Seth laughed, an uplifting and lively sound. "Okay, I'm intrigued. Spill." He was giving me his best impression of an excited teenager, all buzz cut and earrings and silly grin. "This better be good, Summers."

Blushing once again, I hid my face in my hands. I wasn't prepared for this. I was not up for doing this. Shit. "Okay, so." I licked my lips. "I've been doubting the whole... love-thing lately — because of Lily, right — And it got me thinking. What if... What if I'm not capable of loving anyone, period?" I let my eyes close. "What if I'm defective, or weird, or..."

"You know there are people out there that don't fall in love, right?" Seth asked, voice alive, yet serious. "That's not a sign of being defective. My cousin's like that and he's the happiest guy I ever saw."

"Right, but I don't... I thought that might be it, but a few things happened, and now I'm thinking maybe..." I paused, trying to catch hold of both my breath and my wits. "Maybe I'm not."

"You've lost me, Nao."

Everything seemed to be spinning around me. How could I get the words out in a way Seth would understand? How could I explain when I didn't even get it myself? I held my breath and then released it in one long puff.

"I-held-hands-with-Axel-and-it-made-me-feel-weird."

"Wait, what?" Seth leaned forward a bit too eagerly and toppled to the ground in a heap of confusion. "You held hands with Axel? When? Why?"

"Ugh," I moaned, turning my body away from my friend. Saying it out loud was like acknowledging it had happened. I wasn't accustomed to acknowledging uncomfortable things. My preferred way of dealing with them was to brush them under the rug and pretend they didn't exist. Now I'd gone and done the opposite of that, speaking this particular worry into existence, word by wretched word.

"Wait, are you and Axel..."

"No! It's nothing like that." I helped Seth back up on the bench. Lunch break had ended five minutes ago, but Seth had more pressing matters to attend to now. "Some stuff happened, and it was just a spur of the moment thing. Like when you pat my back when I'm upset. It wasn't... Like that."

"...But you felt like it was, didn't you?" Seth's eyes were round as saucers, two painfully green and attentive observers. He'd never been able to drag anything as honest as this out of me before.

"Yeah," I finally admitted, head downcast. "It's probably nothing, but it felt weird."

"Do you..." Seth scratched his neck, obviously trying to word his next question as delicately as possible. "Do you like Axel?"

I stared at him, eyes probably mirroring his own shocked expression. "What? No!" Seth opened his mouth to speak, but I was quicker. "At least — I don't think I do? Wait—" 

Something sprouted inside my mind at that moment, and the next thing I did was slap Seth on the shoulder, hard and swift.

"Ow!" he yelled. "What was that for?!"

"Why are we talking about crushes in a graveyard?!" I yelled back, equally mortified. "I-isn't that like sacrilege or something?! Besides, lunch was over five minutes ago, we should go!"

I got up and gathered my things, face feeling flushed and far too warm for its own good. Seth quickly followed suit and tailed my erratic escape through the graveyard and back into the streets. I was fuming, but I couldn't decipher why. I'd wanted to tell Seth about things, but I didn't want this.

As we beeped our key cards at the school entrance and stepped into the welcome hall, Seth grabbed hold of my elbow.

"What?" I hissed, pride still hurting.

"I'm with you," he said, eyes aglow. "No matter what. No matter who you might love." He squeezed my arm, a subtle but meaningful gesture. "Okay?"

"...Okay."