Beautiful Images ::VHope::

Welcome Back

"HoSeok, stop it." I scold him again. He ignores me, seemingly lost in his own world.

"I'm very good." He whispers. "I'll make you feel better." He blinks up at me.

"HoSeok, you need to knock it off." I push him slightly. He tries one more time. "Alright, that's enough." I say, standing up. He loses his balance, falling into his butt. His face pales as he looks up at me. I grab under his arms, lifting him up and pulling him to the bedroom. He loses the confidence he had a moment ago, and his fingers dig into my shoulders. His eyes plead with me. I drop him onto the bed and take two steps back.

"What are you trying to do?" I ask him. He looks down in shame. "Explain to me what the hell you are doing." His bottom lip trembles.

"You were upset, and I-." He stops, his eyes shifting to my face for less than a second before falling back to the floor. "I'm only good at one thing. I thought-." I kneel in front of him, taking his hands into my own.

"Baby, you are great at many things." I tell him softly. "And I want you to understand that your body is yours. Yours. Not mine, not anyone else's. You don't need to feel like allowing men to— to abuse you, is the right thing to do. If someone is upset, or hurt, remember that your body is not a tool they can use for their own healing." He stays silent.

"Do you like when guys hurt you?" I ask him. He sniffles, shaking his head.

"N-no." He whines, wiping his eyes.

"I don't like it either." I whisper, rubbing his cheek. "So together we are going to work on these feelings you have. The feelings that you owe them something. Okay?"

He nods, still not looking at me. I sigh, sitting on the bed, and pulling him against my chest. He sniffles, hiding his face in his hands.

"I'm worse than I was before." He whimpers. "I'm acting like what he did just happened, and it has been months. I'm getting worse. I was better and now it's worse."

"After JiMin died, I would have wonderful days, and I would feel like I was getting better. Then, it all just stopped getting better and I went back to waking up in the hospital. Those awful feelings came back." I admit to him. "I wish I could tell you that one day these bad days go away, but I can't. At least not yet."

"But I can tell you that there are far too many wonderful days with you. Too many beautiful moments." I make him look at me. "I hallucinate, remember? It hasn't happened since the surgery, but we never know. I still might. Do you think I am getting better or worse when I have them?"

"I still think you're getting better." He says, wiping his eyes.

"Exactly, so even with these upset, hurt feelings. I know you get better everyday." I kiss the top of his head. "You know, I haven't made it to the point where it stops hurting, everything that's happened to me in life. My hands still shake, and every day I look at them I remember all of it. And it still hurts, but I can tell you that when I'm with you, the pain isn't so bad. It doesn't hurt as much."

Day 3

HoSeok is smiling again. He sits near me, and watches a movie. He's still sad, I know he is, but he's starting to come back. He's watching a show on TV that's like a quiz show.

"What year did The Oak Ridge Boys release Elvira?" He asks, pouting. "I don't even know who that is."

"Wait, you don't know the Oak Ridge Boys?" I ask him, a little shocked. He blinks slowly, shaking his head. "You are about to learn." I pause the television, walking to my record collection along the wall where a normal bookshelf had been many years ago. I pull out a pink covered vinyl. I let him look at it while I put the record on. I carefully drop the needle at the start of Elvira. He studies the cover.