If Only Bruises Could Heal.

Chapter 12

"So."

I nervously picked at my rice when Alan suddenly broke the seemingly endless silence. His voice sent shudders throughout my body, but I managed to stay still. I picked my head up and gave him my best fake smile, taking a few glances towards what I could see of the second floor above the stairs. I finally let my eyes settle on him.

"Dylan called." Alan stated, very boredly I might add.

"Oh," Was all I could think of to say in the moment.

"They're gonna need me down at the store a little while longer."

"Oh." I said again, my already edgy demeanor falling into something more mixed with disappointment. "For how long?"

"What, you need specifics now?" Alan spat out harshly, glaring at me in the process. I mumbled some sort of an apology, staring at my plate full of the uneaten food.

My mind drifed to Austin, who still remained in the bedroom upstairs. My stomach flipped at the thought and I felt like I was about to throw up for the millionth time tonight. I was terrible at performing under pressure, and that really showed tonight of all goddamn nights. All I'd said to him was to 'hold on' and then I bolted. I slammed the door shut behind me and got out my best acting skills for Alan. I felt like a pathetic excuse for a human being, but I honestly had no idea what else I could do. I still don't know what to do.

"Speaking of..." I saw him stand out of the corner of my eye, fishing around in his pockets for whatever he was looking for. I knew better than to open my mouth right now. "Left my phone in the car. Be right back, okay?" And with that simple, innocent statement, he kissed me on the forehead and was out the front door. I shivered at the cool gust of wind that ran through the house from the opening and closing of the door. When it clicked back into place, I shot up out of my seat and up the stairs, trying not to fall in the process.

I hoped I hadn't busted the hinges on the door as I burst through the room. I scared the living hell out of Austin, who had just been sitting on the floor doing absolutely nothing. I wonder if he was just as freaked out as I was, and not just from my sudden entry.

"He went out to the car to get his phone, you have to go out the back. Now." I said, almost completely out of breath now. He nodded in understanding and quickly followed me out of the room.

"Wait," Austin said from behind me, grabbing my hand firmly but gently, spinning me around to face him. "Did he do anything just now?" His eyes wouldn't leave mine. I would have stayed there forever if the clock wasn't ticking like a time bomb.

"No, no he was fine it was just..." I considered telling him about the music store and what he said to me moments ago, but quickly deciding it was too dangerous. "Nothing." And I dragged him down the stairs after me, not letting go of his hand.

Why am I such a terrible person? Why do I have to make everyone around me so miserable? I piss off Alan every single fucking day, Austin has double the stress now because of me. I'm just another weight to carry, another pest to deal with. I'm surprised they haven't thrown me to the streets yet, I mean, I would have gotten rid of me a long time ago if I could have. I was a horrible girlfriend to Alan, a horrible friend to Austin. Just horrible.

Terrible. Pathetic. Disgusting. Horrible.

"Max!" Austin whisper-shouted, waving a hand in front of my face. We had gotten outside and were now leaning against the side of the house, out of view from the front walkway. The weight of my stress was too much to bear at the moment.

"What happens now huh?!" I panicked, tears that I didn't even realized had formed spilling over my face, the cool air making them feel like ice. "I-I go back in there just for him to find that it's all gone?! What happens to me then?" I sobbed out, remembering when Austin and I found Alan's stash of drugs and flushed it all away not an hour ago.

Austin pulled me into his chest, warming my shaking body with his. "And I can't fucking leave. I can't just leave, I'm already terrible enought as it is and-"

Austin pushed me away, holding me at arms length. "Stop that, okay? You're gonna get out of this. I swear to god you will." He ran a hand through his hair, looking around before his eyes met mine again. "I don't know how, or when, but soon. You can't live with this anymore, god, you shouldn't have ever had to even know this!" He was firm, but gentle. Something I wasn't that used to.

I choked on my own tears. "But I do deserve it Austin, don't you see that? Can't you see how terrible I am?!" I stopped, trying to even out my voice. "Look at me! What am I anymore?!"

And then the strangest thing happened.

I felt his hand first, tilting my chin up towards him. He leant down to close the gap between us, and then his lips gently brushed against mine. My whole body felt like it was on fire, flames escaping me in the form of tears. I was too scared to kiss him back, but in no way did I try to stop him. I guess I was too scared to do that, too. I just kind of let it happen. And truth be told, I liked every second of it. It felt right.

I'm going to hell.

"Max!" I heard Alan yell from the back door, and he didn't sound all that happy. I pulled away from Austin in one quick movement, leaving him staring down at me with painful eyes.

"You don't deserve this." He pleaded with me, his one last attempt.

"Then you must be blind." I said, venom dripping from my words as I turned around and went back into the house.

I'm going to hell.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Say it again."

"I-I'm sorry."

Another hit.

"Say it again!" He shouted through gritted teeth.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled again.

His fingers dug into my arms. "Mean. It."

"It won't happen again. I-I promise."

Another hit. And another.

"You think you can just leave without telling me?!"

"I was just out back Alan, I didn't go anywhere."

Big mistake.

I was slammed into the wall, the back of my head throbbing uncontrollably. "You were trying to leave me, weren't you?" He hissed in my face.

I bit my lip until I tasted blood. A nice distraction from the rest of the pain."I wouldn't leave you. I can't."

"Aw, looks like she's got a brain." He mocked, striking me across the face again. I lost count after a while. I can't even remember how long I've been up here with him. "No one else but me. No one else but me." He growled, pressing closer to me. I wouldn't turn my head to look at him, I don't think I could do that right now without picturing someone else. Someone with mesmerizing brown eyes.

He threw me to the ground, my head hitting the cold tile of the bathroom floor but not hard enough to knock me out. He paced a few steps away from me, running his hands through his sweat-soaked hair. Nothing but silence enveloped the room for quite some time, except for the ringing in my ears. It was all so deafening.

"I hope you understand why I have to do this." He chastised, and he couldn't be more right.

"I know. I deserve it, I know." I breathed out, just loud enough for him to hear me. Though it's not like anyone else could hear me.

"Good." He nodded, not quite meeting my gaze again. Though I still didn't really want to look at him yet either. The fear of the moment was still shaking through my body, but what terrified me the most was that this wasn't even because of the drugs. Not yet at least.

I think anticipation is the worst kind of fear.

After a few more moments, I saw his hand extend out to me. I finally locked my eyes with his, he seemed more irritated than angry now. I guess that was better than no change at all.

"C'mon. Let's go to bed." He said boredly, no emotion giving way in his words. The irony of this whole situation was entirely too much.

I took his hand with my shaking one and walked with him into the bedroom.