If Only Bruises Could Heal.

Chapter 15

Music filled my room as I lightly applied a thick layer of foundation over some brand new bruises along my collar bone. I was on a big Soundgarden kick right now, one of my numerous distractions. We were getting ready to go out to dinner with the rest of the guys, and I was lost in the lyrics and meticulous brush strokes as we did so.

"That's crazy how well that covers up," muttered Alan as he walked towards me. "You're really good at that."

His amazement made me feel all warm inside, and suddenly I was proud of my mediocre make up skills. As he approached me from behind, he wrapped his hands around my shoulders and squeezed gently. It was enough to send a sharp pain ripping through my chest, and I flinched away from him involuntarily.

"Oh come on, it can't be that bad." He looked at me like I had said sometime completely ridiculous. I stared at him for a moment, but then went back to my cover up work.

I guess he wanted some sort of answer from me, because after a moment he walked away while saying, "Whatever, just don't fuck up that up. You know what happens if the guys find out." My heart sank at the threat.

After touching up the edges a bit, I let my hair down from the bun I had thrown it in and made sure everything looked in place and natural. As I looked myself up and down, I found that I neglected the dark circles under my eyes, which stood out more prominently than ever. Sleeping was a rarity these past few weeks; every time Alan came home late from the "store", I couldn't get out of my head. I ran out of pills, and now I was lost. I didn't know what to do with myself. And as much as I was excited to get out of the house tonight, I dreaded seeing Austin.

Even though I was nearly certain that Alan was cheating on me, I still felt incredibly guilty for what transpired between Austin and I that night, let alone what we did to Alan's coke. I knew I shouldn't feel guilty. I mean, I didn't initiate the kiss, I didn't come up with the idea to raid Alan's closet for drugs; but I had let it all happen. So I had to be at fault, right?

I smoothed out my shirt and glanced at the closet. I don't know how, but it's been a week and Alan hasn't noticed the missing drugs, but I was too terrified to do anything about it. I don't even know where to begin to avoid the beat down I'm bound to get for this; I was frozen in fear. And I had no choice but to bury it and pray that he just simply forgot the coke was ever there.

Fuck. I probably should have saved it for my own use.

"Max! We're gonna be late!"

I pulled myself from the horrid thoughts that ran through my head and made my way downstairs and towards the car. I was nervous seeing Austin, but my I've recently learned to bury things; I could ignore my pain, and better yet, forget it was even there to begin with. Half the time I couldn't even comprehend what my life was anymore. I knew things were bad, as bad as bad could get. But I almost didn't even notice anymore. I learned to numb it. I was confident in my ability to act normal tonight, as if nothing ever happened between Austin and I. I just hope that Austin can do the same.

The car ride consisted of nothing but tension and awkward silence, but that was nothing new. I checked on the cover up to make sure everything was in its place, with no black and blue marks left out for the guys to see. But then, Alan broke the silence.

"You should start seeing a psychiatrist again. Like, regularly." he said.

"Oh," I didn't even know how to respond. Was he concerned for my well being all of the sudden? "Okay then, but why?"

"Just thought I should bring it up. You seem like you've been kinda 'checked out' the past few weeks. I want to make sure you're okay." He almost sounded sad. He put his hand on my knee and squeezed it gently, but the affectionate act felt foreign. I could never keep up with the swings between love and hate, but I've been trying to react positively to anything resembling love. That's all I could do, right?

"Okay," I said hesitantly. "I'll try it out. I'll call the office Monday morning." I responded, placing my own hand on top of his. "Thank you."

"I just want to make sure you're okay. I love you, you know that, right?"

I hated that. I hated hearing how much he loved me. The word itself is almost like another slap across the face. I felt the bruises on my collarbone throb as my heart became heavier and heavier in my chest.

"Right?" His hand gripped my leg possessively now, his finger tips digging into my skin. But, he sounded concerned.

"Yes." I said monotonously, breaking my gaze from the passing buildings and looking straight at him. His eyes looked empty, almost like he was looking through me, not at me. But I guess I was doing the same thing. I remember when I would see the world in Alan's eyes. But lately, it's as if his eyes reflect my own death. Impending and dark.

"I love you too, Alan." I mustered up the best smile I could.

At least that was good enough. His grip loosened, and he leaned over to kiss me on the cheek before silence once again consumed the atmosphere around us.

~