Dearest, Soulmate (Jamilton)

20. Dearest, Selfishness

"Well, I—"

"Did you think of anyone other than yourself in there?"

Alex didn't respond. At the time, he thought he was helping everyone. He really did, but hearing how everyone was royally pissed about what he'd done was making him have second thoughts about who he was helping. He wasn't even sure he'd helped himself. 

"Fucking dammit," Thomas muttered. "This is what I get for getting involved with an idiot with a soulmate and the most self-centered mind possible." 

Thomas left to walk with the other two. Hamilton would have stayed back for another second if he weren't too afraid of Mulligan's friend coming out to beat the shit out of him. So he walked a few feet behind Thomas, feeling terrible about trying to help everyone, even though he only ended up doing what benefitted him. Not to mention thinking about what he was going to say to Eliza and how he was supposed to apologize for everything he was doing to Thomas. 

Thinking about all of that, he also realized that Thomas wasn't being very dramatic. In anything, from classes to personal lives, Alexander was imposing and trying to shove himself into situations that Thomas should have been able to enjoy on his own. 

Being a teenager was hard enough, why'd he have to go and get himself into all these way-too-complicated situations? 

When he got home, he wasn't sure if he was glad to be alone with his cat or regretting not staying on Thomas or Eliza's good side. Either one of them would have been more comforting than the deafening silence that he was almost sure to face after Cat fell asleep. 

When he opened the door and saw Eliza sitting on the couch, he regretted regretting not staying on their good side. At least in the quiet, he wouldn't have had to explain himself to his soulmate, which is no doubt why she was sitting there. 

Hey, Betsey, he tried, hoping to remind her that they were soulmates no matter what. Not like he even believed that himself at that point, but anything was worth a try.

"Don't," she muttered quietly. Cat wasn't very pleased when she stood up, but even he seemed to realize when to leave well enough alone. "You can't act like my soulmate. Not now." 

"Peggy told you?" 

"The fact that you have to ask is sad, Alexander. How long?"

Alex didn't respond. 

"How long have you felt that way," Eliza demanded. 

"I don't know," he said quietly. He didn't have to pretend to be ashamed of himself, he knew that she deserved better than what he was giving her. Which was just another reason why the soulmate system needed to be brought down.

"Was it John that changed your mind?" 

"What? Liza, no! No, nothing changed my mind it's just—"

"Thomas?"

Again, Alexander stayed quiet. He didn't mean to give her that hint, but after everything, he figured he owed it to Thomas (even though he wasn't there) to be honest for himself for a second. So he let her assume that by not answering. 

Instead, he said, "Eliza please just open your eyes."

For the entire conversation, the girl kept her eyes clenched shut until wrinkles were covering that entire part of her face. She shook her head like a stubborn child and Alexander wondered if that's what she felt like, so hurt that she had to resort to the most innocent emotion avoidance tactics. 

"No, I know if I open my eyes I'm going to forgive you and I don't want to do that." 

"That's just immature."

"You're one to talk!" she cried, still with her eyes closed. "God, Hamilton, you're so immature that you aren't even willing to sit down with someone that was considered the most compatible with you! You'd rather throw that away just so you can jump from person to person without any legal repercussions!" 

"That's not what I want, I just want a choice for once!" he yelled back. The only time he ever raised his voice at her. "I wouldn't hurt someone like that, Eliza, I just want a damn choice in who I spend my life with, is that really too much to ask!?" 

"So you're saying that you wouldn't spend the rest of your life with me?" 

"That's not what I'm saying!" 

"Who would you choose, Alexander?!" 

"I don't know!" 

Eliza was yelling at him both verbally and mentally, which he didn't necessarily blame her for, but his mind could only take so much shit in one day. She couldn't see him, but he pressed his hands over his ears to cut out some of the noise. It didn't work too well, so finally he yelled, "I wouldn't just jump away from Thomas, Eliza, I just want the damn choice!" 

The noise quieted immediately. Hamilton removed his hands and looked at Eliza, who finally opened her teary eyes. Even despite the tears, she looked stronger than she ever had, ready to put someone in their place. 

"Eliza, I'm—"

"Don't," she said quietly. And that was all she said. She went over to pet Cat one last time and then left the apartment. 

It took Alexander all of thirty seconds before he was leaning against the wall crying. He wasn't sure if he'd given himself the time he needed to really accept everything going on, so it hit him like heavy waves of emotions he didn't want to deal with. He wanted to have the mindset that was required to love his soulmate but he just couldn't.

Cat strutted over and sat in his owner's lap, giving Alex at least some of the comfort that he needed. Alexander hugged his pet as close as he could with scaring the animal away and went from crying to holding back chest-racking sobs as everything washed over him. 

It wasn't even until after he was done with his breakdown that he realized that he wasn't wishing for Eliza to be next to him trying to get him to calm down.

He was wishing for Thomas.