Remission [H.S. MATURE AU]

48.

"Amia..." Harry suddenly says, capturing immediately my attention.

"What?" I say, not sure I've heard it correctly.

"We could name her Amia..." he shrugs his shoulders and smiles at me. "That's the name of the first painting you did for the baby we lost, the one I bought from you... it would be a good story to tell." He takes my hand and he strokes the back of it with his thumb. I'm not sure whatever are the hormones or not, but I soon enough find myself crying again. That name, that painting, they've always been important to me. When I had found out I had lost my baby, I had imagined her in that painting. It was my way to remember her forever and I had chosen a name for her. He remembered it and he couldn't have chosen a better name.

"Amia... do you like your name, honey?" I whisper, lowering my eyes on my stomach and bringing my hand on it. Harry soon enough brings his hand on it too. "Mom and daddy can't wait to meet you..."

"We love you so much, baby..." Harry says, unable to hold back the tears that are now slowly streaming down his face too. He lowers down, just to leave a long kiss on the center of my tummy.

"God!" I hiss, completely taken by surprise at first. I immediately bring my widened eyes on my tummy, trying to understand if what I've just felt is real, but when I see Harry with his eyes just as wide as mine I understand that it's not possible that I've just imagined it. "She just kicked!"

Harry quickly nods his head, having felt it too, with his hand on my tummy. His tears quickly start streaming again and he's to dry up his cheeks again, probably trying to stop them from keeping falling. "God... she's not even born and she's already destroying me," he says, letting out a giggle right after.

"She likes the sound of our voices..." I observe, keeping my hand on my tummy to repeatedly stroke it. Maybe she likes it too.

"And her name..." Harry adds with a smile, keeping stroking my tummy too.

"She's a pretty strong kick for being so small..." I observe, letting out a chuckle.

"She's like her mother... I didn't have a doubt," Harry says and giggles at me, looking at me with his eyes full of admiration.

"I'm not that small..." I make him notice with a laugh.

"Yeah, but no one would've ever thought that you would've been capable of doing everything you did... you're a fighter and I can tell this little girl is too." He brings his free hand to my cheek and caresses it.

"I've never felt much like a fighter... I just survived," I shrug my shoulders. "I've always thought that you tend to overestimate me... I hope she won't ever feel like that," I lower my stare on my tummy, feeling unable to sustain his look right now.

"You survived down there but you fought every other day of your life to make it out of there, to run away from that place..." He tells me, bringing his hand on mine. "You lost two babies but you survived and fought your way to the woman you're today, Scar." I look up at him, finally feeling brave enough to do so. He caresses my cheek when I do so and I give him a soft smile. "You're the strongest woman I know and I'm not overestimating you."

"I've always thought that surviving was my punishment for every bad thing I had done in life..." I bitterly chuckle. "When I lost the second baby, you weren't in my life anymore, I had seriously considered ending it all... I didn't even understand what was the point of it, you know?!" I sniff and I quickly dry up my tears. I've never said those words out loud and to anyone, except my therapist. "And if I have to be honest, I still didn't understand what was the point of it all, until recently." I look up at him. "Until finding you again." He smiles through the tears while he looks at me. "Before that, I was surviving... barely. It wasn't living, I've never felt like living once since I made it out alive from that place." I tell him what I had never told anyone before. I just tell him completely what is and has been on my mind, because he deserves to know. I trust him enough to tell him everything. "I was just surviving, punishing myself by being with a man I didn't love, away from everyone I loved, and then you returned to my life and even if I feel like the happiest person on the planet I have never allowed myself to feel like that, because I've never felt like I deserved it. There was always something inside of me preventing me from completely enjoying it." I breathe out. "But right now, for the first time, I feel like breathing again." A sob escapes my lips. A sob of happiness, because I really feel like that right now. I feel like I can be happy, wholeheartedly happy. I feel like I can cry without feeling the resentment and rage that have constantly accompanied my last years of life.