Beauty Is An Agonizing Pain

I'm sorry//vent

I'm sorry//vent

I'm sorry,
To multiple people,
Because I lied to you and many,
First I'm sorry,
I became your friend with an intention,
Which may I add wasn't a completely bad one,
Nothing like "what the hell, you used me" extreme,
It was minor,
When I realized that you weren't able to help with that intention, I wasn't bothered,
Instead,
Your friendship is all I want now and I honestly don't know what I'd do without you,
Second I'm sorry,
For making you feel like shit because I made something little into a big situation,
Third I'm sorry,
I'm sorry for pushing you away several times when in reality you were only trying to help me.
Fourth I'm sorry,
I'm sorry for being mean to you for no reason, I was going through an emotional time because I was being manipulated by an ex-boyfriend,
But that doesn't justify my actions.
Fifth I'm sorry,
I'm sorry that I said I loved you. I'm sorry that I lead you on and when I broke up with you, I could tell how much you were hurt. I deserved the words that you called me.
But I didn't want to put you through more pain by continuing to lead you on, therefore I broke up with you.
Sixth I'm sorry,
I'm sorry to myself,
I'm sorry that I hurt myself,
I'm sorry that I bruised my body,
I'm sorry that I scratched it,
I'm sorry that I starved it,
And cut it,
When I said I wasn't.
But this is my truth, I am still 10 months clean from cutting.
None of you will know who you are if you read this and that is a big if,
But if you do,
You will never know I apologized to you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you personally because of the coward I am.

a.b.