what we thought

7

Holden was my first kiss.

No one but Piper and him are aware of this. Corey doesn't know. Ryder doesn't know. Alex doesn't know. Gio doesn't know. And I will not tell them.

Corey believes that he was my first kiss. Back when we were both in middle school, we wanted to try it. So we did. But it was just a peck on the lips. That's what I thought a kiss was.

Holden taught me otherwise. He and I used to fool around last year. I guess we were unofficial friends with benefits. We had minor feelings for each other but we couldn't tell the guys about us. They would have freaked out. We were never a couple. That was too complicated. Sneaking around was already too difficult. We always made up excuses whenever we were around the guys to get away with each other. I'm surprised they didn't catch on. Boys are just a little dull. We had to stop our fling when the boys had suspicions and when my dad began questioning me about relationships. Also, when Holden and I got into a really intense argument, we realized it wasn't healthy for our friendship.

He was the only person I have ever had a "thing" with. I have texted a couple of guys but it has never gone beyond that. Real relationships just have not been my top priority.

I guess sometimes I think of serious relationships. But it's not like it'll ever happen. Guys tend to view me as a sister rather than a girlfriend. And honestly it's a lot better that way. No heartbreak. Just a bunch of friendships. It's because all my life, I've been raised by boys. My dad. Corey. Then Holden and Ryder. And Gio and Alex later on.

When Holden looks at me from across the room, there is something in his eyes that scares me. What if he knows? What if Ryder told him? What would he think? The thought frightens me. I kissed his best friend. I broke bro-code. The most important law of friendship. We broke it. On complete accident.

Corey and Ryder decide to get high outside, but Holden stays back. Oh, shit. He knows. He has to know. As he approaches me from across the room, my heartbeat increases and I avoid his gaze.

"Mia," he begins, sitting on the edge of Ryder's bed. "Can we talk?"

I nod uncertainly.

"It's about Cassandra." He starts, fiddling with his thumbs. I internally sigh in relief. "You know that we ended on really bad terms, but she still wants to keep in touch and be friends."

"What do you want?" I ask.

He bites his lip, "Not a friendship. Not anything."

"You don't want any contact with her at all?"

"None." He nods, confidently.

I note how clear his intentions are and how he doesn't have a second of hesitation. "She really hurt you, didn't she?"

Holden sighs heavily, glancing up at the ceiling. "Yeah, she did. I just... I can't believe it's over."

I observe his features, his mouth in a grim line. "She lead you on and left you for some jerk, but you deserve better." I assure, draping my arm around him. He leans onto my shoulder and I pull him into a hug. Holden's strong arms wrap around my waist.

"Thanks." he murmurs.

We hug for awhile, comfortable in an embrace. Holden and I have always had a closer relationship with each other, well physically. Because of our past connection, we have a slight history and are somewhat drawn to one another in a way I can't explain. We pull apart when my phone vibrates. I hold my phone out and a message from James appears. We have been texting for two weeks now and he never fails to make me laugh, blush, and replies every single day.