F*ck Fate! (Book 3)

Chapter Forty: The Debate on Fate

Andy

I woke up before the sun had even risen the next morning. Shawn was still fast asleep, but he wasn't laying on me like he normally does. Instead, he was as far away from me as he could get, with his back to me. Maybe he just got too hot.

Last night was... weird. I didn't know how else to describe it. After I told him I loved him - which definitely wasn't how I meant to tell him - he goes and tells me he's been lying to me all week. I told him I understood, but I couldn't help but wonder what else he's lied to me about.

I can't imagine that he has, though. I didn't want to believe it, not when he seemed so guilty for lying when he did confess. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he hasn't lied to me any other time.

He also made no mention of me being in love with him all night. It's not like I expected him to say it back. Of course not. I knew he'd take longer to get to that point, considering it took him so much longer to realize he even liked me. Love wasn't something that was going to happen this quick for him, and I knew that.

But he didn't even acknowledge my love for him. He had burst into his lie confession, then we never brought up how I felt about him for the rest of the night. Maybe it was just me, but I felt like it hung in the air between us awkwardly, throughout me making him dinner (to make up for his birthday lunch he didn't get) and both movies we watched. Once we got into bed, he passed out and hasn't yet woken up.

So yeah, I'd say last night was weird.

Shawn suddenly rolled over to face me. I stared at his face in the dim lighting. He was absolutely stunning, even while he slept. I don't how I ever got lucky enough to have him.

That thought got me thinking about fate. What if fate was real? Could every moment of my life been to get me here? Or was Shawn just another stepping stool to my true fate? I'd like to believe I was destined to end up with Shawn, but maybe that's just me saying that because he was the first person I've truly loved.

"Why are you thinking so hard this early?" Shawn muttered, shifting so that his head rested on my chest.

I let out a soft chuckle, running my fingers through his hair. "I was thinking about fate."

"Fuck fate," he muttered, sounding like he was ready to go back to sleep. "I don't want to think about being fated to have such a shitty life."

"I'm being serious here. Yeah, maybe you haven't had it all that great the last few years or so. Neither have I. But what if every bad thing - and every good - led us to each other?"

Shawn lifted his head to look at me. His green eyes caught the bit of light sneaking in through the window. I swear, just looking into his eyes made me fall even further in love. "How so?"

I smiled at him. "Think about it for a second. Where would you be if you chose to go to college? Or if your mom never left? Would you still be working where you are now?"

"I don't know... probably not."

"Exactly. And if I never had that first stroke, I definitely would have done something else with my life. I mean, I love writing, but that wasn't exactly what I wanted to do when I was younger."

"What did you want to do?"

I sighed. "I wanted to join the Air Force."

"Wow."

That's all Shawn said. If he weren't looking at me, I'd think he'd fallen back to sleep. I didn't say anything either. Not sure what to say.

Eventually, Shawn sat up. "Seriously, fuck fate," he said. "What can fate do for us? Okay, maybe it did lead us to meeting, but it can't stop you from reaching your dream. Who cares if you can't walk? You're smart. Your upper body strength is probably just as good as any army guy. Who's to say you can't work behind the scenes or something?"

"No, Shawn, there's no other option for me." I brushed my fingers against his cheek. "I've looked into it. Besides, I kind of accepted a long time ago that I was never going to achieve that dream. I wasn't fated for that path, I guess."

Maybe if I was simply paralyzed and nothing else, I could find some way in. But it wasn't that simple. This week goes to show that I could have another stroke at any point. I couldn't risk having one while dealing with real life or death situations regarding a bunch of other people. Becoming a writer was the safest option for me and everyone around me.

"Holy shit," Shawn whispered. Then he looked at me and spoke at a normal volume. "Maybe you're right."

"About?"

"Fate. Maybe we can't change it. My whole life, I guess I had that 'fuck fate' attitude. I didn't want to believe how attracted to guys I was, despite being completely in love with Ryan and then using Pat for sex for an entire year to get over Ryan. With Meg, it wasn't bad, exactly. But it wasn't very good either. Maybe I'm gay, Andy. Maybe I really was fated to end up with a guy and I tried running from it."

"And yet here you are."

He gave me a small smile, laying back down on top of me. "Here I am, lying in bed with a man who loves me."

I so desperately wanted to ask if he felt the same way, but I didn't want to ruin this moment in case he didn't give me the answer I wanted, which I knew he wouldn't. So I asked him a different question.

"If you could have any career in the world, what would you want to do?"

He sighed, thinking about it for a second. "I always wanted to build bridges."

"That's awesome," I said, shocked. That was probably the last thing I expected, but I could definitely see him doing it now that he said it. "Why did you never pursue it?"

He shrugged the best he could while still laying on me. "College wasn't going to be an option. I already knew we couldn't afford it, and that was before Mom left. The only way to get to build bridges is an engineering degree."

I kissed his forehead. "It's never too late to start."

Shawn sighed and buried his face against my neck. "Maybe one day."

He was quiet for a few minutes, so I thought he actually fell back to sleep again. I wondered when he would need to get up to go to work. I knew he had to be in early, but I did live fairly close to his work.

Suddenly, Shawn sat up, straddling my lap. "Andy," he said. Then he sighed, not saying anything else.

I put my hands on his waist. "What, Shawn? You can tell me anything."

He nodded. "I think I'm falling in love with you, too." He smiled, which made me smile. "I don't want to hide or run from who I'm supposed to be or who I'm supposed to be with. I want that person to be you, so badly."

I sat up as well, keeping Shawn on my lap. "So don't run," I told him softly. "Don't hide. Just be with me."

To answer me, he crashed his lips against mine.

A/N: Okay, so I think that was the last chapter. It sort of snuck up on me... I will be writing an epilogue, though, so it's not completely over yet.

I hope you've enjoyed this book as much as I've enjoyed writing it! Please vote and comment! Let me know what you think! Thanks :)