over and over // loona

nine

Jinsoul's fists curled up into balls, mind agonizingly blank to the point her head teased her, throwing words at her body as if it were nothing. Telling her that she would never be enough for Jungeun, never be able to provide what she deserves. Never be able to love her like she deserves.

Because Jinsoul's love was consuming her alive, this ball of... of feelings she didn't want, rolling down and down a never ending hill, and Jinsoul had no choice but to run away. It was either that or confront it. But running away got tiring, running away made her legs sting and her heart tired, made her mind drained as everything seems to happen at once. But she couldn't confront it because facing her problems fucking sucked, she wouldn't be able to deal with the growing boulder chasing her from the distance, the boulder of burning emotion that threatened to hit and induce her like a drug. To addict her; to make sure she isn't able to live- to breathe without this influence of love, dare she even call it that. The word felt gross on her tongue. Yet, it felt like it belonged. How the burn soothed her, distracted her from the tears in her eyes that made Jungeun's door look blurry and distorted. How it saved her from her mind, letting her escape. Letting her finally, finally be free and feel nothing. To have nothing. To be nothing.

It's what she was towards Jungeun. She had to remind herself. Saying it like a mantra in her brain, She's only playing with your feelings, repeating those words like her life depended on it. Because at this point, it did. She couldn't survive- couldn't even think of withdrawal from the high keeping her alive, from the woman who has her heart at its final string.

Her breathing was shallow, scared Jungeun would be able to hear how even after minutes, she stayed there, by her door. After saying goodbye, after closing the door to leave Jinsoul with nothing except the bittersweet company of her tears, after the seconds left between them, Jinsoul was still there. Hopeful that maybe Jungeun would change her mind. Hoping Jungeun would maybe decide she despises Jinsoul and her entirety, hoping that Jungeun carried nothing towards Jinsoul. Nothing except painful hatred, a hate so strong Jinsoul can't breathe anymore, that she chokes up on her own feelings, that she finally faces the boulder hurdling towards her at dramatically increasing speeds. That Jinsoul falls to her knees, watching the boulder as it collided with her, allowing it, embracing the pain, embracing the emotion, letting it consume her alive. Letting it rot each and every one of her bones, until she doesn't know what it's like to feel anymore.

The tears burned on her skin, each of them begging for her to just fucking run, to use her legs and leave, to never look behind before it's all too late. But it is too late. It really is.

Realization hit her like a blinding light in the pitch black darkness, one that causes your eyes to close on instinct, for your palms to cover your face and body to curl in on itself. Or maybe that was just Jinsoul.

Just fucking run!

Idiot!

Stop being a fucking lover, stop feeling. Stop fucking feeling!! Stop! Now!!! Stop!!

Stop!

Please!

Please! Please, please, please... Please.

She begged internally, fighting for herself back, fighting for control over her own body.

It's too late.

You're gone.

You're nothing anymore.

A door opened.

A door swung with a quick creak, with such speed the one who opened it might have a broken arm now. Jinsoul opened her eyes as she was on her knees, removing her hands from her eyes and seeing the floor beneath her. There was a dim light illuminating the floor ever so slightly. Her knees were shaking, fuck, every part of her was shaking. Even her voice shook with the tears present in even that, throat coarse as she opened her mouth. "I'm nothing anymore."