over and over // loona

eight

tw: toxic relationships

Jinsoul couldn't sleep the entire night, and she wasn't sure if it was out of fear or excitement. Because no matter how badly she wanted this, she couldn't help but to feel only as a burden to Jungeun. She's disappointed her time after time and yet Jinsoul is still so fucking greedy and want her back again, despite how badly she's upset Jungeun. She wanted to reject the offer but she couldn't, she was so fucking greedy and kept wanting Jungeun, only Jungeun, because at this point nothing else would suffice.

Her heart beat so fast and so loud, it felt awkward in her chest. She was scared, but if what Sooyoung said is true... if Jungeun really could heal her shattered heart, maybe there was no more reason to tremble in fear. Maybe Jungeun did have the missing piece back to the puzzle of Jinsoul's heart, and maybe then Jinsoul will be able to breathe again. But if there was no reason to still tremble and worry, Jinsoul's heart really wasn't understanding that.

She wondered how, how, of all opportunities life could give her, of all chances she could have taken, she still somehow ended up meeting Jungeun. Jinsoul couldn't tell if it was a blessing or a curse, how Jungeun's presence alone could easily shake Jinsoul so well. She wondered if Jungeun knew what she was doing to poor Jinsoul, how she was so cruelly playing with her heart and letting it dangle on its last string, squeezing and punching and abusing it as she pleased. Somehow Jinsoul's heart could be in her own body and to herself, yet it was still fully Jungeun's, completely hers to manipulate and tear at. Jungeun was the only owner of Jinsoul's heart, not even Jinsoul herself had rightful access to it anymore.

Jinsoul closed her eyes tight as her chest tightened, longing for the awaited look of Jungeun, for the second chance she's gotten a hundred times. What the fuck was this? What is this feeling, and why is it so fucking painful? Why did her chest squeeze every time her mind dared to do as much as to even think about the girl who ruined Jinsoul's morals, the girl who ruined Jinsoul's self image, self knowing, self confidence. Or, simply put, the girl who ruined Jinsoul.

She wanted to be fixed. Wanted to be normal again, but Jungeun turned Jinsoul into someone else. Someone Jinsoul didn't like. She was so sure that entering college locked sensitivity far back into her mind, where it would never be revealed again, would never be seen by others again. But, yet again, Jungeun has proven that she is the owner of Jinsoul's body, and she'll invite whatever emotions or feelings she pleased.

A chill went down Jinsoul's spine as she thought about Jungeun again. God damnit. "What have you done to me, you confusing girl?"

---

Jinsoul looked consciously into the mirror, not exactly bothering to put on something very appealing. She almost face palmed herself, remembering the little outfit she wore at their last attempted date. She couldn't believe Jungeun brought out the softie in her, not even Jinsoul herself expected that. Jungeun had such a weird effect on Jinsoul. She wasn't exactly sure what to think about that, but she probably wouldn't be able to anyway, considering she could only hear the rapid rhythm of her heartbeat in her ears. Scared wasn't a strong enough word to put it.

This feeling, this damned pounding in her chest beating to the rhythm of a song she wasn't familiar with, was so brutal, so agonizing and unknown, what the fuck was even happening? Was she going to die? Jinsoul swallowed thickly as if to stop her frantic heartbeat, but to an expected failure. She sighed, biting her lip as she sat down onto the carpet. Her eyes were dry but somehow it felt like she was going to cry.

Her jaw trembled as she looked at herself again in the mirror, what has she done to me? This feeling was so unexplainable, so weird and unfamiliar. Love shouldn't feel like this. This isn't love.