Find My Heart (boyxboy)

44. Those Little Distractions (final)

It wasn't a playful hug, or a restful hug. It was the kind of hug that let you know that the person would always be there for you. The kind of hug that told me he knew I was listening.

"I love you," I whispered into his ear, squeezing him back just as hard. "Sometimes I feel guilty about it, but I can't help it. I just love you so much."

"It's ok to feel guilty," Joel said, pulling back a little so he could look me in the eyes. "But you also need know that she would be happy for you. If it had been the other way round, you'd have wanted Emily to find her mate."

"I know, I know," I replied. "I just can't believe how lucky I am sometimes. I don't think I deserve it."

"Now you listen to me Casper Bournville," he said, putting his hands on both sides of my face. "You are an amazing person. You are the best alpha and the best dad.."

"Yes, but I let you go and I said some horrible things," I interrupted, the guilt forming a knot in my stomach.

"Casper Bournville, did I say I'd finished?" he said interrupting me right back.

I smiled but glanced down nervously.

Joel gave me a quick kiss on the lips before continuing.

"You treated me like an equal. You opened up my eyes and made me realise that things were not always as they first appeared. I was young, naive and stupid, and you took all of that in your stride. You were patient with me, and kind, and I loved every minute we were together.

"And yes," he hurried to say on seeing I was about to argue back, "you said some hurtful things on that day, and yes unfortunately there were consequences, but you couldn't have known that. It was just a row. That's all. You were upset, you were unbelievably stressed, you had the pressure of a whole pack on your shoulders, and you'd had about 2 hours sleep. It was not your fault."

I hung my head down. It didn't really matter how many times he would say it, I don't think I would ever stop feeling guilty.

"And anyway," he continued, "some good did come out of me going away. I got to find out who I really was. And I got to spend time with my birth mum. And I met Sebastian and was able to help our pack, and Ronan's pack to get rid of the hunters.

"Sometimes you just have to look for the good to realise that all the bad was worth it. I know I wouldn't change any of it."

I looked up at him in surprise.

"It wasn't our time back then," he said, "if we had been mates it would have ruined everything. But now, now everything is perfect. Your home is safe, the link between the two packs is as strong as ever, and things are changing. And changing for the better."

This time I nodded in agreement.

Things were beginning to change. And it was about time too. One of the pack had mated with a human last year, and now she was pregnant. I'd reassured her that whatever it turned out to be, the whole family would always be welcomed into the pack. There would be no more split families if I could help it. No family should have to go through what Cole and Lyla's did, just because they were different species.

We lay there in silence for a while, each of us lost in our own thoughts.

"Can we do something tomorrow?" I asked him. "Just the two of us?"

"Yeah, sure," he said, running his hands through my hair. "But it'll have to be in the afternoon, I have something to do in the morning."

"What?" I asked, lifting my head to try to look at him.