NEWTON AND THE APPLE

one | f e l l f o r y o u

I cry as I walk through the all-too-familiar garden. I cry because my genius' limits have been met. I cry because I am too young to have fulfilled my life's purpose. I cry because I bloody invented calculus; I cry because I'm a monster for doing so. But most of all, I cry because Petunia left me. She had no interest in fulfilling my desires but she didn't think twice when it came to that womanising scumbag, Christopher. She left me fruitless, pure, clean - whatever you may call it. She left me with my virginity tightly in-tact. Petunia had told me she loved me. She promised me she'd never leave...

I continue to cry as I approached the my tree - the tree I always sit under in this garden - and press my palm against it's rough bark for a few moments, attempting to use some sort of psychokinesis to redirect my tears into the large structure. I allow my fingers to fall off the bark and press the book and pencil I held in my other hand tight against my chest. I slide my back down, against the tree so I am sitting, facing the fountain.

I notice that I am no longer crying, though my head continues to pulse and my eyes have started to sting. I close my eyes and give myself a few minutes to breathe and put things into perspective. Petunia left me, so what? That only means I can find another, more beautiful being, who deserves my love and affection. I decide to do some basic calculus to put my mind and heart at ease.

"Let's suppose that we want to approximate the solution to f(x)=0and let's also suppose that we have somehow found an initial approximation to this solution say, x0. This initial approximation is probably not all that good, in fact it may be nothing more than a quick guess we made, and so we'd like to find a better approximation. This is easy enough to do. First, we will get the tangent line to f(x)at x0..."

My concentration is interrupted by a ruffling sound in the leaves above my head. I look up to see a bird getting ready to do it's business. I quickly shuffle to the side, just as the bird plops a big one. No moving back to that spot. I chuckle and, just as I do, a feel a big bang on my head. For a split second, I think the bloody bird decided to do one on me but quickly notice it couldn't have been that big heavy and painful.

I think of how that object might have fallen as such. There must be some kind of force. First, I must know what it is that had fallen onto my head.

I look to my right and, for a moment, time stops. Her skin is ripe and delicate, although a bit darker than Petunia's pink skin. Her curves more dangerous than the Plague and her figure so plump. I could just bite into her - she looked to juicy. I decided to make a move. If I didn't, someone else would. I clear my throat.

"It seems you have fallen for me," I say in my most seductive voice.

Sure enough, she turns red. She might have even given a more daring response if we weren't so rudely interrupted.

"Isaac!" a familiar voice calls.

I shove my new lady into my undergarments and try my best to contain what's really going o down there. It's so hard when someone so sexually attractive is rubbing right up against my...

"Isaac! I have been turning tables in search of y-"

"Good afternoon, Petunia."

"Is that an apple in your pants?"

"Most ceratinly not. It is my- my sweetmeat. My tools of generation..."

"Oh my! Well I bring fantastic news!"

"Yes, and what is that?"

"Christopher and I are no longer together. The bastard."