The Mouse and The Wolf | Gay BxB |

17. Dream

He was so tall as well. All three of them, Tilly and Arch and Jaden were so tall and so beautiful and... out of this world. Almost as if they were proud elves or ferocious vampires or aliens from far-away galaxies...

It didn't take me long to finally fall asleep, while I imagined, once again, that the world around me was far more magical than what it really was.

*****

I wasn't sure if falling asleep had been any better than lying wide awake. Out of all of my dreams and nightmares, one was always the same, and that night, I was forced to live through it once more.

It was night, and there was a mountain in front of me. Behind that mountain, I could see a part of a full moon, but I wanted to see it better. I started climbing up. I could hear myself laughing.

"Come, Cedric! Don't you want to see it?" Cedric, one of my imaginary friends.

'You shouldn't be climbing up there...'

"You always worry too much, Cedric," I laughed.

'Be careful...'

I ignored him, and turned my gaze back up to see the moon. I continued climbing higher and higher, while Cedric stayed behind, whispering worriedly in my mind.

'Don't go... Don't go up there... You could hurt yourself...'

I should have listened. I was almost at the top. I could almost see the moon completely, but then, just when I placed my hand on the top of the mountain, the solid rock suddenly broke under me, and I lost my footing. I fell down, and the moon fell with me. When I hit the ground, the impact forced all the air out of my lungs, and the moon shattered into pieces right next to me.

I blinked, and the mountain was gone. There was only a tall bookshelf towering in front of me, with its topmost shelf broken in half. I turned my head and saw a big, white, round vase, broken in pieces next to me.

"Whoops," I whispered in fear, as I heard my new foster parents waking up upstairs.

I woke up with a gasp, sitting up so fast the world started spinning around me. I was breathing heavily, soaked in sweat, and it took me a minute to understand I was in my own room in the group home, not back in that place. I didn't even notice I was clutching onto my scarred shoulder.

It took me even longer to calm down, and after that, I buried my face against my knees, trying not to cry from fear. The two dark shadows were lurking just inside my memories, so I forced my mind empty from every thought.

That boy I used to be, adventurous and hopeful for the future... He died that day. Every imaginary friend I had vanished that day. All that was left was this scared mouse nobody could see. 

Except the ones I really wished that couldn't.

*****

My poor head... Being at school was taunting after what happened yesterday and after having that dream again. I had a bad headache, I was jumpy and afraid, and every loud noise scared the life out of me. I was so tired I had tears burning in the corners of my eyes every second of the day. I was still in pain after Jack beat me up and I was nauseous from fear of running into him and his darkness.

The entire time I kept asking myself, how much more could I possible take? How much more until I would lose my mind completely? This had continued only for a week, and I was ready to check myself into an asylum somewhere.

And the worst part was that I couldn't keep my promise to Jack. I couldn't find Jaden anywhere, even though I did see glimpses of Arch and Tilly here and there. At some point, I was sure I saw Tilly watching me, but when I tried to make sure, she wasn't even looking in my direction, so I couldn't be sure. That made things worse for me, because in my panicked mind I started to believe they were onto me, that they already knew Jack had ordered me to follow them. Maybe that was why I couldn't find Jaden anywhere.

I tried not to get overwhelmed by all of it, but it was far from easy.

And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, it did.

"What...?" I breathed out, when I stopped next to my locker after lunch. Someone had drawn a small picture of a stick-figure on the corner of the door. It looked awfully a lot like a mouse... with a noose around its neck. It had two tiny crosses as its eyes...

I took a deep breath, and turned my back on it hastily. I felt dizzy, scared and so awful I was barely able to stop myself from crying. I saw Nick further down the corridor, looking at me with a smirk on his mean face.

I turned around again and started walking. I didn't look where I was going. All I could think of was that I had to get out. If I started crying or panicking right then and there, everything would turn even worse for me.

It was just a stupid little picture. I knew that. I knew it, but still... Too much. Way too much...

I didn't stop in a long time. I kept walking. Out through the doors, through the snowy yard, across the street and into the small forest behind the school. I couldn't go home, but I didn't want to stay at school either. I just really wanted to get away from the town and never come back.

When I finally stopped, I was all alone, gasping for air between my sobs, crying so loudly that it made me hate myself. I really hated myself at that moment. I hated how weak I was. I hated the life I was given at birth. I hated my mother for abandoning me and I hated those foster parents who hurt me over a stupid vase. I hated Jack and Jaden for ruining the little sanity I still had left.

I sat down in the snow, hugging my jacket against my chest since I never bothered to stop and put it on. I couldn't see behind my tears, and I couldn't hear anything over my cries. I let it all out. All the misery and pain and fear... I wished crying could wash it away, because I couldn't stand it.

This wasn't a life I wanted.

I had no idea how long I stayed there, in the silent forest, surrounded by nothing but trees and snow. I was cold, but I didn't care. I just wanted to stay there forever and die away. That would have been for the best.

Maybe it helped. After a long while, I started to run out of tears, and I became more aware of my freezing body. I would be in trouble now too for skipping classes. I started calming down, and for some reason, I started feeling better... Well, not better, but stronger maybe. At least I was done crying.

I took a few deep breaths, wiped my tears and put the jacket on me, but I wasn't ready to get up just yet.

I looked up, and suddenly, I forgot all about everything.

There was a black dog close by. A large dog. It was just standing there, watching me with his ears pinned down, but something was wrong in the picture. I didn't move a muscle; I just stared back at him for a good moment. Then, my head started working. My brain finally registered what my eyes were trying to tell it.

Not a dog.

A wolf.