Almost, But Not Quite (COMPLETED)

Chapter 63

"You already hurt me before. I just want to know the truth."

There it was again, that harrowing feeling inside my chest.

Tumango ako. I braced myself as I began to answer his question. That in the middle of this busy airport, my heart was slowly shattering yet again.

"I liked him," I told him. "You were right. A part of me had liked him. I kept on telling you that you were wrong, but I was just doing that because I couldn't admit it to myself. That I was with you, yet I liked him," I said, and let out a dry laugh. "God, I was so fucked up, right?"

Seconds slowly passed. I stood in front of him, completely frozen and waiting for anything from him.

"Why didn't you just break up with me? Why did you have to do that?" tanong niya.

Muli akong huminga nang malamin. I didn't know how much more of this truth I could take. I felt like my chest was just about of explode into bits. I felt like I was about to be gone with the wind.

"Because I loved you," I said as I stared in his eyes. My chest tightened so bad that I could barely breathe, but I knew I had to say this. "I know I did something really bad... I know that I made you question my love for you... But Psalm, I really did love you. Kaya ako nahihirapan nang ganito... Kasi sobrang minahal kita... Hindi ko matanggap na nagawa ko 'yun sa taong sobrang mahal ko... Because if I managed to do that to you? To the person I loved so much? What does that say about what kind of person I am?"

Tears began to fall. I didn't even bother to wipe them. I just wanted to let everything out—to tell him what I felt. To give him what really happened. To just give him the unadulterated truth.

"You should've just broken up with me," he said.

I shook my head. "I can't do that."

"You want him."

"Not as much as I want you," I said.

Silence enveloped us once again. I knew he would never believe me, but that's my truth. Na kahit ilang beses akong papiliin sa kanilang dalawa, isang tao lang ang paulit-ulit kong pipiliin.

"You kept on saying loved, Joey," he said like he was trying to reason with me.

"Because I don't feel worthy to just love you. I feel like I should just stay where I belong—in your past," I said as tears continued to cascade down my cheek. I stared at him with such longing. For years, I dreamt about him... About this... But this hurt more than any dream I ever had. This was breaking me.

"Are you happy with her?" I asked.

Hindi siya agad sumagot. Nanatili ang mga mata niyang naka-tingin sa akin. Gusto kong tumigil sa pagluha, pero hindi ko magawa. I felt like finally, all the pain inside me was coming out. That finally, the pain I was holding on to was pouring.

"She loves me," he answered.

Pilit akong ngumiti. "What's not to love?" I asked as I wiped the tears from my face. This hurt. This hurt too much. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko 'to ginagawa. I hated the thought of him being with someone else. I wanted him to be happy... but I wanted him to be happy with me...

But that would never happen.

He could never be happy with me.

Kaya naman pilit kong pinunasan lahat ng luha na bumabagsak mula sa aking mga mata. Pinilit kong ngumiti kahit na halos mabiyak na ang puso ko sa dalawa.

"S-sige," sabi ko habang patuloy na pinipigilan ang mga luha sa mata ko. "T-tinatawag na 'yung flight ko," pagsisinungaling ko dahil hindi ko na alam kung gaano katagal ko pa makakayanan na tumayo at magpanggap na masaya sa harapan niya.

"You're still lying," he said.

My shoulders were badly shaking. I knew I needed to get away from him before I breakdown. And I couldn't do that to him. I didn't want him to feel sorry for me—or to feel responsible for every single thing that was causing me pain.

This was on me.

This was all on me.

Pilit akong ngumiti. "Tinatawag na talaga 'yung flight ko," sabi ko sa kanya. "N-nasabi ko na ba sa 'yo na nagvolunteer ako sa Bukidnon?"

He nodded, and then showed me the ticket he was holding. The words were blurry because of the tears in my eyes. I couldn't read what was on the ticket.

"I'm on the same flight, and I didn't hear the flight being called," he said.

My lips parted.

My heart flipped.

"Joey, I'm gonna ask you one thing, and I need you to be honest with me," he said. He took a step forward, and my heart just jumped out of my chest. "Do you still like him?"

I stared at him, with my tear stricken face, and shook my head.

"No," I answered. "I liked him, but I never loved him. I know that. Please believe me."

Tumango siya.

"Okay," he said. "Okay," he repeated like he was finally hearing the words that I was saying. Na kahit hindi man maging kami muli, hinding-hindi rin magiging kami ni Marcus. There was just too much mistake that I couldn't live with. Too much pain that I couldn't even erase from my mind.

Nagsimula na namang magtuluy-tuloy ang luha mula sa mga mata ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong isipin. Natatakot ako sa mga ideya na pumapasok sa isip ko dahil natatakot akong masaktan. Natatakot akong umasa.

"Aren't you with Kia?" I asked.

"I broke up with her."

"Y-you broke up with her?" hindi makapaniwala kong tanong.

He nodded. "When you asked me if I'm happy, that was when I realized that I'm not happy. I'm not happy with her. I'm not happy with my life. I'm not happy with anything, Joey. I feel empty."

Nasasaktan ako sa nakikita ko. I could now see the pain in his eyes, the hurt in his soul.

"I just got that job to impress your parents."

"Psalm, you know you didn't have to do that," I said.

"I know, but I did that anyway because I was insecure."

"You were about to become a doctor, Joey... I felt like I needed to do something with my life to be able to measure with you," he said.

"Psalm, you were already too much for me. Bakit mo naisip 'yan?"

Ngumiti siya. "I don't know. All I knew was that I should be something more—anything more for you. Because you deserve the best, you know? I just wanted to be the best for you."

Gusto kong lumapit sa kanya, pero hindi ko magawa. Patuloy pa rin akong natatakot. Natatakot na lumapit dahil baka panaginip lang pala ang lahat.

Pero hindi ko na kailangang gawin iyon dahil siya na mismo ang lumapit sa akin. He cupped me face and caressed my cheeks.

"I loved you then, and I still love you now..." he said as he intently looked me in the eyes. Like I was the only one he could see. Like I was the only one that mattered. "Will you runaway with me?" he asked.