spinning webs

here am i in my little bubble

[4 New Messages: Cindy]

['Warren??'           {10:26pm}

'Jordan said you aren't responding to his calls or texts.'

'They're really worried about you...'                  {10:31pm}

'I am too. Please call them back. Call me back, if you need to.'          {10:55pm}]

The messages from Jordan alone were enough to send Warren into a fit of tears, sobs being ripped from places he didn't even know he could feel that amount of pain from. How awful of me to worry these people? What kind of friend ignores their friends like this? Who would love a sick monster like me?

"War," The voice sounded broken, honeyed chestnut brown eyes filled with pain. "You're... You're not a monster." So I said that out loud. "I... Can't believe you'd think of yourself that lowly... Warren, you're wonderful, and strong, kind and giving. You've got your rough edges, your issues, but we all do... We... Us, your friends, we're here to help you. We're here to make each other better..."

Warren choked on his tears, overcome by the conflicting feelings of love and self-hate. A warm hand wrapped around him, Jordan's body shaking slightly. Are they crying? Did you make them cry? He didn't realize it, but he'd begun to quietly shush and murmur to his friend, broken apologies a hushed words of affirmation, hopefully returning the sentiments that they had shared with him. They both stayed there like that for a short while, calming each other from crying and just holding one another. For a while after they'd been soothed, they stayed there in silence, arms wrapped tightly around each other's backs, listening to the other's breathing.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"It's not okay."

"War-"

"Jordan," He interjected, pulling away enough to lock steel grey eyes on soft hazelnut ones. "Listen to me. I'm sorry. I've pushed myself away from you, from all of you guys. And I'm sorry about that." Finally tearing his eyes away, Warren pulled Jordan back to his chest and buried his face in the other's auburn curls. "I want to be better. I want to be there for you like you guys are for me. I want to be a positive force in your lives. I want to be as important to you as you all are to me."

Warren felt his friend sniffle, and he pulled away, their eyes meeting. There were tears welling up in Jordan's.

"No, no, don't cry, I'm sorry--"

"No," Jordan laughed, tears spilling down their cheeks. "I'm crying because you're being stupid."

"Excuse me?" Warren wasn't sure how to respond.

"You're being dumb and emotional, you... Dummy." They punched weakly at their friend's arm, sniffling again. There wasn't anything he could say, so he kept his mouth shut.

There was a few more beats of silence, the quiet stretching out comfortably between them. It couldn't stay that way forever.

"You..." Jordan started, slowly, finding Warren's gaze after a while. "You want to listen to the voicemails?"

"I-" Warren swallowed heavily, a sudden pressure weighing down on his shoulders.

"We don't have to, or I can go,"

"No, please." There wasn't any thinking before the words came out of his mouth. "Don't... Don't leave me."

"Of course," Jordan took Warren's hands in their own. "I'll never leave you. Not as long as you need me."

     [3 New Voicemails]

[Voicemail # 13: Jordan Lane, 8 Nov. 10:16pm

"Hey Warren, it's Jordan. I'm calling you because you won't answer my messages, and I'm getting worried about you. I certainly hope that you're okay, despite the fact that you're drunk. Please, if you get this soon, don't drink any more. I... I'm sorry? I don't know what to say, I'm... I'm worried about you. Really worried. Please call me back as soon as you can, thanks. I'll be there soon. Bye."]

[Voicemail #14: Cindy Barnes, 8 Nov. 10:44pm

"Warren. Jordan is very worried about you. I... I'm worried about you. I know it's a joke between all of us about how heavy of a drinker I am, how much of a heavyweight I am, but I know what's it's like to go through a rough patch in life. ... We don't talk much. I know that. We don't talk nearly enough for me to say this, but please. Call me. I need to know you're okay. I know we have this.. rocky relationship. That doesn't mean I don't care about you. I really, really do. I... I'm rambling, but I do that when I'm stressed. Please call me back as soon as you can. This is, uh, oh, did I say this was Cindy? It's Cindy. I'm... I hope you're okay. Um... Please. Call me."]

[Voicemail #15: Jordan Lane, 8 Nov. 11:17pm

"Warren, please, oh my God, let me in. I-I know... I'm sorry that I'm not.. Not here for you all the time. I'm really scared. I'm scared, War. I need to know you're okay, I... ... ...Please. Please, please, I've been waiting by your door now for a while. I'm not sure how much longer I'm gonna stay out here, because it's getting really dark, and I don't like crying outside of an apartment complex enough to camp out all night. If you don't call back I'm going to sleep in my car, so I'll be right across the street. Call me. Please, God, Warren. ... Call me if you- if you need anything. I'll be here. I'm here... I'm here for you. I... The phone is beeping at me, I know, I'm running out of time. I... I'm sorry. Please call me back. I want to see you. I want- I need to see you're okay. I, uh... I love you. I love you. Please, oh my God, Warren, I love you..."]

To save Jordan the heartache of listening to the voicemails of their own broken, nervous voice, Warren listened to the messages with the phone pressed to his ear, holding tightly onto their hand for support. Despite trying to save them the trouble, he still looked over to see worry written in their eyes, tears blurring their irises.

"I'm sorry."

"You better be, you... Jerk." There was a bitterness to their voice, but it wasn't sharp; there was too much care and worry in the tone. "You should call Cindy back, too."

"I will."

"Now?"

"Eventually..." Warren glanced away, worrying his lip between his teeth.

"Hey," Jordan knocked the other's arm, grabbing his attention. "Don't do this again, okay? Seriously. I love you and all, but please. Be more responsible next time." They noticed the offended look crossing Warren's face- how could they think I wanted to get drunk and cry all night?- and they grabbed his hand, wrapping it up in their own. "And call me if you're feeling down, okay? I am not afraid to stand up and leave a class claiming family emergency-- you're like my brother, okay? You are family to me."

"I-" The blond couldn't respond, an overwhelming sense of... relief flooding over him. He couldn't help it as he reached out, pulling the other back to his chest, overcome with love for his friend. "Thank you," he finally got out, voice cracking with emotion, "I love you..."

"I love you too," The response was muffled in Warren's sweatshirt, but it still made his heart swell.

A couple minutes of silence spanned out between the two, which found them with Warren stretched out on the couch, Jordan laying on top of him, their head settled on his chest.

It was quiet, and before he drifted off, Warren took a moment to think about how lucky he was.

It will be okay. I'm home now.