LOST

Chapter 35

3 weeks earlier

Zayn's room was smelling like someone died in there, as usual. I was wondering what he would do in there if I wasn't cleaning it twice a week. There was empty beer bottles, disgusting ashtrays and dirty clothes everywhere, not to mention the ripped open condom wrapper. How respectful. Thank god he was kind enough to threw them in a trash can after using them.

I opened the windows and let the fresh air wash away the disgusting smell. The only thing I couldn't put my finger on was, how could Zayn manage to smell good when he put all his clothes on in here? He always looked good and smelt even better, what was his secret?

I finally managed to put all the beer bottles away and changed his bed sheets, all I did was going to be wothless as soon as he came back from work. I knew he was going to throw his clothes everywhere and drink beer, then leave the bottle on the floor. My only free day was dedicated to my brother and our home, perfect. Maybe this was better, since I was spending most of my free time with Harry and leaving home like a barn lately.

I grabbed Zayn's dark blue shirt from the floor and a tiny little pack fell on the carpet floor without making any noise. I leaned down to take a better look and as soon as I understood what that was, I was sitting on the floor. No.

I knew he was in some deep shit but I never thought drugs were a part of this. My mind went blank for a few minutes, I just sat there and stare at the little pack, not touching it like it was toxic. Well, it was, wasn't it? Maybe he was just selling these and not using and that's why he wasn't telling me what he was doing there? Monster looked like the right place to sell this stuff. Oh, like it was better. My brother being a drug dealer. I was mad, but more than that, I was sad. I felt like something broke into pieces inside of me, like I lost something.

I went to the living room and sat on the couch, took my head between my hands. I never felt so desperate before, like there was some invisible chains around my wrists and something was choking me, leaving me breathless. I put my hands around my neck automatically and took a deep breath. I needed to deal with this, but how? My brother was drowning and all I could do was standing a few meters away and watch him drown. I had to grab his hand and pull him on the surface of the water that was killing him.

How could he think that it was okay to do this stuff to make our lives better? How could he trade his life with money? What was next? Was he going to become an addict in front of my eyes or get arrested for being a dealer? Didn't he know we had lost enough? Was I strong enough to fight with this? After all the things we fought together, he left me alone in this. He knew I would have done anything for him, not even hesitate to die for him.

What about Harry? There was no way he didn't know about this. Oh God, maybe he was the one that gave these stuff to my brother, maybe he started this. I felt a burning anger in my chest. He knew and didn't say anything. Maybe all the things we had was a set up too, a part of his game. Maybe he just wanted to make me involved in this so he used me for all those times?

"I am yours, Annemarie." Bullshit!

His memories flashed in my mind and I closed my eyes. The way he looked at me was so real, the green eyes burning with desire. His words echoed in my ears, "I won't let anyone to take you away from me." he was playing his part really good, because it didn't felt like he was lying at all. But then, he was the one that promised me to keep my brother safe. It was all a game. Louis drugged me and he saved me, he beat a guy to save me, he made himself the hero so I was going to be thankful and give him what he wanted.

I didn't realise that I was crying until a warm tear drop fell on my hand.

He made me believe in his lies and he sat there and watched me got lost in his eyes the whole time. Didn't he ever feel something? Anything? No, he didn't. I couldn't believe myself, after all the things I was sitting here and thinking about him when he probably didn't even care about me at all.

I needed to pull myself together and get my brother back, I didn't know how but I had to. I had to bring him back and leave everything behind us... including Harry.

"What if he didn't lie? What if all the things he said was true?"

My subconscious raised her eyebrows and shrugged. That wouldn't change the fact that I was losing my brother over that shit of a job he was doing. I wasn't going to lose my brother and if that meant losing Harry... there was nothing I could do. Even if everything he said was true, which I doubted, that wasn't going to stop me. I was going to do what I had to do. I got up and took a deep breath.

I needed to see him first and make him explain. I took my coat and keys, than left the house to go to him.

***

ANNE

This was pure pain and realization. "And you love him." I had to hear the truth from someone else. The words broke down the bars I built to keep the feelings I had for him inside and it was too much for me to accept after all the things that happened. Too hard, too painfull. I was curled up in a ball on my bed and listening Jeff Buckley's beautiful songs over and over again, re-living all the memories I had with him, knowing that they were not going to happen again.

I still had no idea what to do about the pills I found in Zayn's room. I was acting like I didn't know anything about it for weeks but actually, I had no clue on what to do. Maybe I needed to talk to someone about that, I was feeling lost. I couldn't even mention that to Liam, I didn't even see him after yesterday night he told me that he loved me. We had only two more weeks together and I had to make it up to him because I was being nothing but a selfish bitch and I broke his heart. Another reason to hate my self. And the things I saw at Monster was hunting me in my dreams, I was seeing my brother in that ring again and again. And then Harry... he was always ending the dream, he wasn't saying anything just standing there and then I was waking up.

After three weeks, I was finally admitting everything. He lied or not, that wasn't changing the fact that I loved him. Oh, I loved him. I wrapped my arms tighter around my body, I was never going to see him again and the heartache was almost unbearable, yet so frustrating because it was wrong. Everything was so wrong and between these things, all I wanted to do was hear his voice once again.

I got up from my bed and went to Zayn's bedroom, he was fast asleep. I walked in on my tip toes and took his phone, thank God Zayn was a heavy sleeper. I got out as quiet as I could and went back to my room. This was so childish and stupid but I was going to do it anyway, I had nothing to lose.

I turned my stereo off and sat on my bed, my hands were shaking so bad I could hardly hold Zayn's phone still.

"He could've called you if he wanted to talk." my subconcious raised from death again. This was so miserable but I wanted to do it anyway. I just needed to remember how it felt to hear his voice and I was going to use Zayn's phone, he'd probably not going to understand it was me.

And I dialed his number.

I wasn't even breathing as I waited for him to answer, my whole body was shaking and I felt like throwing up.

"Styles." His familiar voice was cold and distant, there was no other voice, he wasn't at the club. I froze and the breath I was holding left my lungs painfully, I felt a shiver through my spine and something was warming up in my chest. I dug my nails into my skin and closed my eyes.

"Anne?" His voice was soft like a whisper on the wind this time.

My heart stopped, I knew I had to hang up but I couldn't even breath. "God, it's you." he whispered and from his voice I knew he was bewildered, this was unexpected for both of us. I heard he took a breath to say something but I quickly hung up before he could. I put my hand on my chest, my whole body was shaking as I started sobbing quietly. This was so fucked up, there was no way out and I was trapped in my own mind.

Minutes after my phone buzzed on the night stand, letting me know that I had a text message. And my breath got stuck in my throat as I looked at the screen, it was from him.

'Me too, Annemarie.'

***

A/N: Today was a busy week for us. Jay's wedding, Louis with his baby brother, 4th year anniversarry, where is Zayn?

Oh whatever, here's another double update. :)