me. |Gender Identity|

Entry 1 - Suffocating

((Posted on 11/18/18 @1:43 a.m.))

Everyday I feel like I'm suffocating.

My body is out to get me, and I never asked for any of it. 

Everyday I look at my body's profile in the mirror, a feeling swelling up in the back of my throat each time I try to shove the image out of my mind.

The pressure builds up and up, more and more every time I look in that god damned mirror, as if I have forgotten for just a moment that that same, sad image of a boy struggling to be himself and live up to masculinity standards while not being able to discuss those struggles and pressures with those I care about most, in fear that the ones that know about me will think I am less a man, or that those that don't already know will figure it out. 

I'm always scared that my mom or others will find out what I am, and it is the worst feeling, to be on high-alert one hundred percent of the time, putting even more stress on my mind and body.

And those that know do not truly understand. They think they do, but they never truly could, unless they were also stuck in the wrong body. They think that what matters to me is my health and safety, but at this point I am just trying to hold on to what little self control I might have left in this world. 

I feel as if I can't confide in anyone, not even my best and closest of friends.

When I ever tell any of them new ways I found about binding, the first thing they always ask is if it's safe--even though I don't plan on binding for a very long time.

I mean sure, it lets me know that they care, but no matter how many times I mention it, they don't understand that I don't. I have dealt with so much so far, in my short life of only fourteen years, and I would rather be happy than safe. At least, that's how I feel in certain moments. 

Moments when I have to talk or think about all of it. 

Moments when I can't just pretend that everything just doesn't exist and life is simple. 

Moments of dysphoria and pain.

Because that's what it comes down to, really: the pain.

The pain of not wanting to wake up every morning, knowing what is to come with the rest of the day. 

The pain of hiding who you really are to all but the few around you that you can trust most.

The pain that you trust people online, in completely different states, that you don't even know the real names of, more than you trust your own mother.

No. I don't think anyone could really get it. 

Not for sure, really. Not if they were going through exactly what I am.

So, here is my thoughts on life. 

Here are my real thoughts. Not that bull that I tell my friends and family everyday.

Here you'll see some of the brightest and darkest ups and downs of being transgender. The ups and downs of being me.

So. Here I am, and I'm 

me.