Mayhem ➾ Bellamy Blake

Chapter 24 - The Monsters Within

My heart dropped. I wanted to scream. I couldn't take this anymore. I sent one person out and now he's badly injury. Now my brother has been taken my murderous people that we were at war with. I tensed up with anger as the other part of the search party came over. I have to step away to avoid lashing out at anyone. Being at the wrong side of this made me say and do things I didn't mean. I often hurt people in ways I never wanted to. Keep your shit together. You're fine. Stay in control.

"Monty do you copy?" I hear Bellamy shout into the radio. And just like that, the control was gone. The panic attacks and anger I've been holding back come flooding forward.

"Hey M, breathe. It's going to be okay."

"And what if it's not Raven?" I question starting to lash out uncontrollably. That was the last thing I wanted to do. Especially to her. Not to mention that I'm sure Octavia, Bellamy, and Monty could all hear me, but I didn't care, "I don't think I can survive losing him. I can't go through that again. Not after Grayson."

"Breathe. Just breathe." Raven says puts both of her hands on my forearms trying to calm me down. Nothing was seeming to work and Raven knew it. Everything that's happened in the few weeks that we have been here seems to come rushing back. Charlotte, Atom, The cave, being poisoned, being shot, and now losing Finn, Clarke and Monty.

"Remember how you two used to handle these?" Raven asks me in between my staggered breathes.

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January 6, 2144

Two weeks after Mack's mother's death

I hide away in my room everyday going through only a few of the stages of grief every three minutes. Denial. Sadness. Anger. And then more anger. On the verge of lashing out everyday. I was mad at Abby for not being able to save her. Mad at my father for drinking because of it. Mad at the fact that no matter how much I studied there was no machine that could beat cancer. I was mad at myself for ever being rude or behaving badly with her at any point of my life.

Grayson comes in and I plead with him to leave.

"This is something I have to handle alone." I say angrily after he refused to leave once again.

"Get mad at me. Cry on my shoulder. Talk to me. Whatever you need I'm here and I'm not leaving you." I groaned realizing he was never going to leave. He did as he promised. He let me lash out and never said a word. He let me cry until the his entire shoulder sleeve was covered in tears. Then he was there when I was ready to talk. Which my talking was mainly anger motivated.

"Here I have an idea." He said jumping up from his seat.

"Great" I comment sarcastically making him chuckle a bit at the fact that I still had my snarky humor.

He picked the pillows off of my bed and turned to me. I remember looking at him with like he was an idiot. He just smiled and said.

"Don't let all of this bottle up and rip you from the inside. Get it all out."

I smashed the pillow into every surface that wasn't breakable. The thud of the pillow wasn't loud enough to violate noise rules on the Ark. I then screamed into the pillow and then returned to smacking everything. Until I hit Grayson.

"I'm sorry. I got carried away." I sincerely say with my hair thrown all around for going crazy.

"At least let me defeat myself. Do you have no mercy?" He asked with a fake serious attitude before grabbing the other spare pillow from the bed and smacking me.