Psychopath [solangelo au]

-How to survive-

((Pretty much entire thing is a trigger warning for like all reasons so read carefully please))

June 15, 2018

"Nico? Nico!" My head snapped up at Camilla snapping her fingers in front of my nose, long acrylics dangerously close to my eyes.

"Hm?" I looked back down at the canvas on my desk, trying hard to focus on Camilla and my project and not Bianca's now-constant insults and the empty feeling inside me.

"Dude, are you seriously ok? You look like a mess," she did a half hearted swipe of her paint brush on the canvas she was painting on. Her eyebrows were creased, and her lip was pulled between her teeth. I wanted reassure her, tell her that frowning would make her makeup crease. Unfortunately but not surprisingly, I didn't have the energy.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lied smoothly. I was, in fact, very not okay.
I had never felt so horrible- I've surpassed grade ten by far. Nothing was appealing to me- not chocolate, or McDonald's, or spending time with Camilla.

Everything was draining. Everything hurt.

I was hyper focused on the events the night before. Will had come over to keep me company, and I had yelled at him for no reason. As soon as I turned to face him, and saw the hurt on his face, I burst into tears and started apologizing profusely. I barely remember what I had said to him besides "you fucking asshole, why won't you leave me alone?".
I didn't want to be alone, though. The thought of being alone with my thoughts... it terrified me. The issue was that I had no energy. No energy for anyone but him- and he had a life outside of me.
He understood, and forgave me like it wasn't the tenth time I had fucked up. He held me while I cried, stroking my hair and my back. I had wanted him to stay the night, but he had a lecture early this morning that he couldn't be late to.
I didn't sleep for more than an hour, maximum.

"Are you sure? You kinda look like you were hit by a bus," Camilla stated, flicking the paintbrush back and forth absentmindedly. She had her chin in one hand as the other made minuscule swipes on the white.

I frowned at her, but I knew she was right.
I hadn't showered in a good 4 days, which wasn't a good look as my hair grew long again, and it hung over my face like a greasy curtain. The bags under my eyes were purple, my skin was pale and blotchy from lack of nutrients and throwing up whenever I ate more than half a meal. My teeth and jaw were beginning to ache, but I couldn't stop it. My body rejected everything.
I probably looked half dead.

"Just didn't sleep last night, I said I'm fine." I replied, sounding snappy at the end of the sentence. I cringed at the tone of my voice. She gave an offended huff, but let it slide. I brought my thumb to my mouth and began to chew on my nail.
I could tell I was going to develop a headache. My sinuses were congested and my eyes hurt. I was dizzy, and my brain wasn't functioning. Bianca whispering in my ear made it arguably 10 times worse.
She had always been cruel, but the past week had been unreal.

My temporary replacement phone buzzed on the desk. Will texted me, finished his first lecture, telling me that he loved me. I quickly said it back before shutting off my phone and glancing at Camilla as she glared at her art project.
I yawned, and tears sprung to my eyes. I could feel the overwhelm begin to take over my body. My chair flew backward when I suddenly stood, hands pressed into the desk below me. Camilla's black curls bounced when her head shot up, eyebrows raised in question. I ignored her worried glance and asked the  teacher to go to the washroom.

Bianca strolled next to me, hands in her pockets and strides wide, kicking her feet out wide in front of her like an excitable child. She easily built up my anger.
Recently... I've just been so angry. And sad. And empty. Everything fucking hurt.