Psychopath [solangelo au]

-How to skip school the proper way-

March 30th, 2018

Jenny always tells me to wake up and try to be happy. Tell yourself it will be a good day. Tell yourself everything will go your way. Good karma. Good luck. Whatever you want to call it.

Optimism.

I lack so much optimism, that as soon as I open my eyes and remember I need to go to school, lock eyes with students in halls, have forced conversations with teachers, my eyes started to water. I knew it wouldn't be a good day, from the pit of my stomach, bottom of my heart. The tips of my fingers were tingling. There is no way to fix a bad day in my line of view. No way to turn it around. You just suffer and wait for it to be over. I think I'm just constantly getting shit on by whomever runs my life. Everyday is a bad day and it's getting really hard to just "get through it".

I decided right then and there that school wasn't an option. Once again, drugs, weed maybe, sounded hella good, but I felt no motivation to get out of bed. My feet hurt. My eyes throbbed.
I reached blindly to my bedside table and used my thumb to get in.
I, with my eyes shut, texted Camilla I wouldn't be at school.
If I wasn't up and gone by the time Jenny noticed, she would drive me. I couldn't have that. School was just not an option. Or optimism.
I was so pessimistic it must be unbearable. Why Will liked me I don't know, I am a horrible person with no redeeming qualities.

Will seemed like a good idea. A really good idea.
I laid on my back until I heard Jenny moving in the other room.
I forced myself up, feeling numb. I leaned over in bed, and something wet hit my bare chest. It turned out to be tears, crying without noticing it had even started.

I took off the fluffy pj pants from Will, and pulled on jeans that were too big, so that I didn't need to try, and a sweater. Wills sweater to be exact, in which I accidentally stole in mexico while packing, thinking it was mine.
It was dark grey but also had a singer, Elliot Smith it said, on it. It was warm and smelt like him and I didn't tell him I stole it yet. It is my property now.

I slipped on my vans and put on my jacket so I wouldn't freeze. It's almost the last day of March and there was still snow.

I then emptied my backpack completely and shoved it under my bed and just put my book and charger in it, my earbuds and phone would stay on me.

I left as fast as possible, hearing Bianca weave her way into my thoughts as I went. It was messy in my head, more than one voice, or maybe her voice overlapping in my mind. It hurt. My eyes prickled with more tears.

Jenny may have said something down the stairs but the front door shut behind me to fast for me to hear.
I walked for a block before realizing Will was probably asleep or getting ready for class.

I felt as if someone hit me across the face with the realization that I couldn't see him until later.
I needed someone. Something. Anything to make me feel better.

Drugs kept sounding better and better.
I had nothing else to resort too. Prescriptions wouldn't work.

Sadly, I had cut off my old plugs. If I had their numbers, Jenny deleted them, if I followed them on any social media platform, she made me unfollow, she took my blood for weeks to keep me sober.

Even if I did remember any of that stuff, it had probably changed since then.

I ended up walking with my eyes half open, feeling like a zombie, until I appeared in front of me and Wills Cafe. Our cafe. This was a safe place.
I entered and smelt the familiar scent of coffee, chocolate, and pastries.
I went to our seat, thankfully not taken. Although it was only 7:30, there were university students here, but no Will. Sammy wasn't here either, but the waiter who witnessed my panic attack and first (second?) kiss was.
Instead of sitting, and having to go through the torture of staring eyes, I got up and decided to get take out instead.
No food, I wouldn't be able to stomach it.
I got the biggest hot chocolate size they had, and left. Thankfully it wasn't snowing as I made it over to my second favourite place I haven't visited in forever, the book store.
I walked to the front door where it showed the closed sign.
I almost lost hope, and sanity, before I saw a shadow, and then the warm lights flicked on and I saw Andy.
I knocked, forgetting I might look insane, standing outside the glass door in the freezing cold.