Casual Layovers

Chapter Nineteen

 "Avery, wait. Please don't go. I'm sorry I was so short with you." Ryan says as she rushes after Avery and reaches out for her. She manages to grab a hold of Avery's forearm and it stops her from walking any further.

Avery turns around, but frowns. She wants to talk herself into staying but she knows that it will only make things even more aggravating for herself. "Ryan, I'm sorry. I just can't do this anymore."

Ryan furrows her brow in confusion. "I don't understand..."

Avery shakes her head. "No, I guess that you wouldn't. That is why this whole thing, whatever it is that we have going on between us, it needs to end. I can't be here with you. It is killing me. And I've been lying to you and lying to myself about what I really want."

Ryan shakes her head at Avery's words unwilling to concede. She realizes that things have felt different with Avery lately and all she can think about is the conversation she had with her sister just weeks ago, but she refuses to let the other woman walk away. "No. Please just stay here with me tonight. If this is about Silas, we can talk about it."

Avery laughs bitterly but she can feel her heart breaking as she speaks. "This isn't just about Silas, Ryan. And even if we do talk out whatever it is that you think is wrong, then what? We'll jump into bed together and then wake up in the morning just so I can continue to pretend that this thing we have going on is just some convenient thing that we do? Because it might be for you, but I don't feel that way!" She closes her eyes to compose herself. "Not anymore."

Ryan's eyes widen in surprise at Avery's brazen admission. "So, what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I cannot stay here with you tonight." Avery frowns. She contemplates her next words very carefully. She needed to tell Ryan the truth eventually, but more importantly, she needs to admit it to herself. She just never expected that this was the way it was going to happen. But, her patience and willpower has evidently run out. Avery sighs and smiles sadly. "I cannot stay here because I have fallen in love with you, Ryan Shaw." She looks into Ryan's eyes as she says it and watches as they widen in surprise. "I mean, how could I not? It was bound to happen, right? We met in the strangest, most random way, almost like it could be fate, and I think that we were even friends for a short while--"

"Avery, we are friends!" Ryan exclaims. She considers Avery a very good friend. Maybe even more than just a friend at times, but right now, she does not want to think about that because she feels as though the floor is falling away beneath her feet. Did Avery just say that she is in love with me?

Avery chuckles dryly at Ryan's comment. "Right. Friends." She sees that Ryan wants to argue this, but she cuts her off before she can speak. "I know this wasn't supposed to happen and somehow I've screwed everything up. But, I can't keep lying to myself about how I feel. I. Am. In. Love. With. You." Avery reiterates, putting as much emphasis as she can muster into every word. "And god, it feels so good to just say it aloud for once. And you should know that I want you so badly right now. But, I want all of you. I want to wake up with you in your arms in the morning without feeling like I did something wrong. Or that I am not supposed to be there. I have spent so long feeling guilty about so many things. I'm done with feeling that way about how you make me feel or the way that I feel about you."

Ryan slowly releases Avery's arm but does not pull her gaze away, their eyes still locked to each other. "I... Avery, you know that I don't want a relationship right now. And it has nothing to do with Silas, or you. It's just too much..." She says barely above a whisper, not entirely sure that she is trying to convince Avery of that fact, but really needing to remind herself of why they had this arrangement in the first place.