hoping to not wake up

a normal school day

TRIGGERS: SELFHARM, DEPRESSION.

Dan was woken up by one of the most annoying sounds in the world; his alarm. Dan groaned and looked at the clock. 6:30. He looked up at his ceiling. He didn't want to get out of bed, but not just because it was early. He didn't have any friends. He was  bullied because he was gay and wore pastel clothes. Nobody cared about him. Nobody would notice if he didn't go to school. Dan got out of bed and walked over to his window. He pulled open the curtain. It was still dark out and snow layed like a blanket over the streets. He grabbed the clothes he had picked out yesterday night. A soft pink sweater, blue pants and a pink and blue flower crown. He always wore pastel clothing. But today he didn't feel like it. He grabbed a grey sweater from his closet. Maybe he would get bullied less if he wore normal clothes. He put his clothes on and went downstairs. He grabbed a bowl and put cereal in it. He opened the fridge and grabbed milk. He poured the milks into the bowl. As he sat down at the table his mother came downstairs. When she saw Dan she walked over to him. “No pastel sweater today?” his mother asked. “Didn't feel like it.” Dan kept looking down at his cereal. “You feeling okay Dan?” She placed a hand on Dan's shoulder. “Yeah just tired.” That was the lie Dan told the most. And sometimes he actually was tired but most of the time he was just tired of life. He wanted life to stop. He didn't want to wake up anymore. Every morning he'd wish he hadn't woken up. Just like his dad. 3 years ago Dan's dad died. Out of nowhere. One day he just didn't wake up. Dan always wished it were him who one morning hadn’t woken up. He finished his cereal and placed the bowl in the dishwasher and looked at the only picture on the counter. A photo of him, his dad and his mom. They all looked really happy. The picture was taking a week before his dad died. His dad was the person who cared most about Dan. And when he was sad (which he was often) his dad would tell him he loved him and hug him. After his dad died his mom slept on the couch for three months because she couldn't handle sleeping alone in their bed. She didn't talk to Dan for two weeks. And in the three years his dad had been gone his mom hasn't told Dan she loved him once. She had only hugged him once during the funeral. But after that he hadn't been hugged for 3 years. Dan felt tears stinging in his eyes. He went upstairs and opened his drawer. There was a little black box in the back. He opened it and grabbed one of the blades inside. He closed the box and put it back. He swiped the blade over the skin on his shoulder and wrists. He pulled his sleeves over his wrists and felt the stinging feeling of wool against fresh cuts. He put the blade in one of the pockets of his bag. He grabbed his bag and went downstairs. His mother gave him some money for food and continued watching TV even tho she had to work in 5 minutes. Dan didn't bother telling her because he knew she wouldn't listen. She never listened. He went out the door and opened the car his dad had bought for him. He began riding to school.