My Tattooed Tumblr Boy

Day 5

2:06 am

Well it's past midnight so it's technically the 20th.

At 11:11 you know how you're supposed to wish for love? I wished that tomorrow you would wish me a happy 6 months and ask me to be with you again.

Even though you say there will always be an us, there is no us to celebrate every 20th of the month anymore and that sucks.

The second night in a row where I haven't gotten a good night text from him. Last night he said it was because he went to a family party.

Tonight last he told me he was listening to music with his sister. But he couldn't text me goodnight. His goodnight messages usually come with an "I love you."

I'm trying not to think about it because I haven't cried in two days and I'm not sad anymore.

But if I over think it, then I will make myself sad and second guess everything and I don't want that.

1:53 pm

I've woken up 3 times, every time to no good morning text. Maybe I keep falling asleep hoping there will be one when I wake up.

I don't know what to do. I'm not messaging him first. But maybe it's just all the pressure from today. I can understand that, but it hurts more that he hasn't even told me good morning or acknowledged me today.

6:21 pm

Still no word from him at all today and I don't know what to think.

He once told me "Is this how it ends? With you not talking?"

Ironically I feel the same way.

Once I was gone for 5 days, because I didn't have a way for talking to him and he told me that his told his friend about it and she told him that maybe I had stopped caring. Maybe I never cared at all and just didn't know how to tell him so instead I ignored him.

That's how I'm feeling right now. I can feel it. I'm slipping away. I'm pushing my feelings for him away. The more I think about it, the more it makes me feel like he didn't have 5 seconds to tell me he wasn't going to be able to talk today? Or even if he told me he didn't wanna talk at least it was something you know.

But nothing.

Silence.

I can feel it happening.

I'm blocking my feelings for him out.

I will always love him, but the longer we don't talk, especially on a day like today, I push the feelings away.

As much as I don't want to, I can't control it. This is my defense mechanism. I'm pushing all the love I have into a black box. Maybe so it won't hurt so much. Maybe because I'm afraid of why we haven't talked.

Today, I have solace in books. Not talking to other people, but in wandering a world that is not my own.

Reading books always brings me comfort when I'm down.