Letters to Ghosts of the Past

Not Goodbye

To the one that is more of a ghost that anyone else in this damn book,

I sit here now in a rare moment of what I've come to realize is strength.

You're on my mind, not because I miss you, but because I wish you could see how utterly happy I am now. You were, if nothing else, always an advocate for my happiness.

Up until I lost you to another love, you always told me not to blame myself.
If I can't thank you for anything else then I will for that. Since I truly accepted you were gone I've been in such a different headspace, one that I'm not sure I've ever really experienced before.

I've let go of burdens and realized that I'm pretty damn amazing. I don't owe anyone anything, but I owe myself. I am allowed to be happy and I owe it to myself to feel worthy.

With you, I created an illusion that even if I didn't love myself, you loved me. But not enough. And so began my fall into a darkness that I have finally crawled my way out of.

I can't honestly tell you that I know if I'd change things. I don't miss you- not anymore, not seeing who you have become- more like I miss who I was in those months of carefree acceptance and bliss. I miss -missed- being happy.

But I let myself feel again and the second I flipped that switch, that's when I opened my eyes to everything this world can hold. There is more beauty than a fizzled out, short-lived friendship. There are more possibilities than being the only one fighting to save it.

I loved you so much that I refused to see the signs and realize that you never loved me as much as I loved you. Never trusted me as wholeheartedly as I did you.

And I've come to understand that you did serve a purpose, but not the one I thought.

You weren't in my life to show me what true friendship is. You showed me beauty and security and love, but you weren't there to be a constant.

You didn't stumble into my path to show me betrayal or loss. Sure, you caused one that I still may not be entirely over, but you were not there to cause sadness.

You were not representative of what happens when I love too easily because I never have and never will.

Our paths crossed to teach us each a lesson. Different but also the same. For me, that I am worthy and strong enough to stand up and say "fuck it" and walk away and never go back to something like what you caused. For you, that one person will never be worth losing everything. And when you do you'll end up in the same place as I was but you won't find a way out.

And you haven't learned that yet. Maybe you won't. Maybe you'll be lucky and you'll never have to experience losing everyone you love. Maybe he'll stay. But I don't think so. It doesn't matter regardless, because you depend on him like I depended on you and that ever ends well. You have learned.

But I did. And I can't say I'm happy that it happened but I am grateful. Because it felt like a reset. I lost you. I lost everyone connected to you. But I regained those who I have finally learned to trust and who were truly by my side throughout the whole ordeal.

I learned to be happy and I didn't have that before. I learned to live without you, without my rock. And I didn't sink. I fought my way back to the surface with newfound strength and I basked in the sunlight.

I am proud of myself and for the first time, I can feel myself letting go of you. I write this to you because I always confided in you. I want the person that I loved- the one I fear may not exist, but who I know always will in my memories- to know that I succeeded.

I fought my demon and I won. My demon wasn't you, it was myself. But in order to defeat it I had to let you, a part of that demon, go.

But I still remain. Stronger and happier. And ready to finally let you go.

This isn't a goodbye. It's not a thank you or an I love you.

I said goodbye to you that night months ago when I hugged you and I knew somehow that it was the last time. I won't thank you because despite everything I've learned, you did destroy me and I don't owe you anything. And I stopped loving you the moment I knew he mattered more than me, even when I fought so much harder.

No, this is a "look at me" and an "if the you that I loved was still around she'd be damn proud of who I am now".

So look. I'm happy and confident and releasing that last bit of pent-up sadness at losing you. I'm letting go of the resentment.

In its place I am smiling more, and allowing myself to be proud of who I've become without you. You would have been proud of me. I'm proud of me.

I chose my fate. I let you go. I'm all the better for it. This isn't goodbye.

It's good riddance.