The Crying Game

Chapter Five

"So you guys want me to step aside?" He nodded. "Fine, I'm okay with that."

A big part of me was happy to oblige, but then I still felt obligated to do something. But it would all mean that I could get back to practicing my abilities again. I needed every bit of my magic to awaken.

With the days slowly passing, I felt like a failure in a way. At least with Tyler, I gave more effort and refused to give up, mainly because of my future kind of depended on it -well sort of. Tyler was meant to be a protector, no matter if his changed involved taking another life, he was still created to kill vampires.

I wanted him to help me.

I found myself distracted with my chants at first, but most of my thoughts were shaken with the fact that Paul was like numbness trapped in my brain. The more I practiced my magic, I seemed to be more into focusing on what Rachel had meant, and why Paul was the only one trapped in all of this.

The pack's progress was unknown, but according to Embry, Paul seems to be progressing in a small way, but they could still see his memories of his lost love. Rachel's face was still deep in his mind, projected as an image for everyone to see and feel his pain. It was brutal at times according to Embry whenever Paul would have his occasional breakdowns. They were all exhausted, and Paul seemed to be suffering even more.

But I still couldn't do a thing.

As much as Embry told me, we both knew that my so-called services were no longer needed. The thing was though, I wasn't sure I could do anything anymore. I felt pity for the man, and yet I was still angry with him for trying to belittle me. I could try and deny a lot of the things he said didn't affect me, but he did kind of open up some old wounds with his anger issues. I found myself crying over it.

'I feel so lost grams.' I began to pray in my room. 'I feel like a complete failure at times. Maybe I was meant to lose everything -including the one thing that defined me. I was born a witch, and yet I can't find it me to conjure a proper spell to help me if I tried. I lost the battle so many times, and I keep wondering why I've been giving back the one thing that seems to destroy me at the same time. I used to love being a witch, being who I was because, in the beginning, I felt like I was making a difference. But now, I can't even help a god damn werewolf break an imprint.'

It was those tears again. I felt so weak whenever I let them fall. But it helped. As much as I tried to deny it, they sure helped me get through a lot of the crap thrown my way. A part of me was ready to pack my things and relocate again, but the thing was, I had nowhere to go other than back to Mystic Falls. I didn't want to return to the one place I felt unwanted, and now this place was turning into that.

'I just want stop crying. I want to get to the point in my life where the good outweighs the bad. I want to know how it feels to be wanted and needed. I want to be happy. Is that asking too much? Am I selfish to want that for me? Or am I bound to fighting for my survival for the rest of my life?'

Even though it was late in the night, I needed the fresh air. I knew Embry was out on patrol's again, which meant that I knew it would be safe to step outside for a while. I figured that I'd wait up on him.

I sat on the old bench on the porch under the dim light, covered with my hoodie and a small blanket, staring at the moon as it peeked through the dark clouds. I inhaled to breathe in the moist salty air, listening to the ocean not too far away and the bugs buzzing in the night. The air was cold and crisp. Small raindrops sprinkled down on my face, making the night even more peaceful. I was cold, but I was comfortable.

For once, it felt as if my brain was turned off.

An hour passed, and another. It made me wonder how Embry and the others kept themselves occupied out there when the world was asleep. Did he lay in a certain spot and guard the perimeters? Or did he run them constantly until the time passed? It had to have given them a lot of time to think when they were out there, and if so, how could they keep their thoughts to themselves if needed.