New Dawn

Cal

Mare is still crying when we leave Evangelines room. As soon as the door is closed I wrap my arms around her, pulling her into my chest. I feel her shaking in my grip. Her tears are warm against my chest.

I don't know what to say. I don't think theres anything I can do. So I just hold her in my arms, rubbing her back and resting my head on top of hers. 

I am not sure how long we stay like this, but eventually she pulls away and takes hold of my hands. 

"I'm going to take a moment to think" she says.

I nod. I understand. I too need time to think. 

I feel her squeeze my hands and then watch her leave, down the hall towards the balcony. I smile, but it is weak. I am drained from the day.

I walk down and hall and enter my rooms. I sit at my desk. It used to soothe me to plan battles, using strategy to cope with my anxiety. But now it only reminds me of all I have lost. All that all of us have lost. I cannot bare to plan battles. 

I still have nightmares. Of drowning, water forcing itself down my lungs, water all around me. Iris face in the shadows of the blue that is crushing the life out of me. Of Maven, of the boy who was one day no longer afraid of the dark, of watching it slowly but surely draw him in until only a shadow of him remained. If even that. Of Mare, Kilorn, Eve, and Cameron, their blood on the ground, their limp bodies scattered on the broken war front. Of Julian, lying in bed unable to do more than utter a few short sentences. Of my mother, tearing her hair, pulling at her skin, screaming inside in a desperate attempt to free herself from the whispers in her brain.

I disposed of every single one of my old books. All but one. I couldn't bear to look at them. Too big a reminder of who I was and all the pain I caused to people. Even if I didn't mean to...

I open the only one of my old books left on my now sparse desk. It is a copy of my mothers diary. One Julian gave to me what feels like a lifetime ago. I scan the now familiar pages, taking a moment to just feel her presence. Though it is not in her hands, and I lack the scent or scrawling that might better represent exactly who she was, the words are hers. They are hers, and they are mine. 

I scan the paragraphs I've read and reread hundreds of times, cherishing her words, her wants, her love. All of it for me. Well not completely. The beginning is for me, all love for my father and hopes for me and my future. But soon after I am born, the entries dated soon after often become so much darker. Her fight inside her mind, battling her own head for dominance. Only it isn't her she's fighting, it's Elara. 

I wish I could be sure she knew that.

Because I am not. Though Julian suspects she knew, there is no proof. No words that even hint she knew she was fighting someone besides herself.

Elara made her tear out any pages that might incriminate her. I repeat to myself. The explanation Julian had provided me with was a logical one. Once Elara had wormed her way into my mothers head, my mother was dead. I was only truly with my mother for a month of my life. As soon as Elara was inside, she was gone. 

It is almost an hour before I am torn from the pages in my hands, a door is opening. The back entrance of my rooms to be exact. I spring to my feet, sparking my flame bracelets and moving quickly into the room where the person is entering from. I assume it is Mare, but I honestly can't be sure. 

She enters quietly, her bare feet padding on the stone as she enters from one of the old servants tunnels. She walks toward the desk, tear tracks still staining her now dry cheeks. She sits on the bed. 

"I can't sleep alone. Not tonight." 

She does not even bother with formalities, sticking to the facts. We are both too tired for anything else. 

I nod, forsaking the pages to move to the bed. I take her hands in mine, feeling her, taking comfort in her presence. I toss my shirt down, opting to stay in soft pajama pants, and make my way into bed, lifting the covers and making space besides me. She crawls in, fitting herself expertly into my arms, burrowing into my chest.

I am asleep in moments. It is the best sleep I have gotten in a very long time. Her presence keeps me here in this room, stopping my mind from wandering too far into my dark, tormented subconscious.