Changed me

Beautiful People

There time goes again standing annoyingly still. It has been about two weeks since Nile has been in the hospital and in a coma. My afternoons since school let out for the holiday vacation have been spent sitting in the chair next to his bed. If I wasn't there then Jacob and Uncle Mike were there. His stepmom is back and she brought Aria around a few times. Ever since Mike and Darren's fight she decided that she needed to be home for Aria and Nile. The last part was laughable because if she had decided she needed to be here for him sooner maybe he wouldn't be unconscious in a hospital bed.

Shaking the upsetting thoughts from my mind I watched the rain fall down the window of my car. Sleep has not come easy the past few days because that gnawing feeling that I felt the moment I found Nile in the shed has taken up permanent residence in my stomach. There has not been a moment that where my thoughts haven't been racing a mile a minute. Dad has been trying to get inside my head since my frantic phone call that night. I honestly didn't have the words to explain how I was feeling because the truth is I refuse to let myself think about it. Honestly saying how I feel would make this even more real than it is. Even though I have spent every allowable minute here I don't think I've let myself feel it.

It was like being numb. Sometimes in tragedy, we move through the motions because we don't know what else to do. When mom died I felt a similar numbing, but this is different. The loss is not certain in this case. There is a hope. Hope that Nile will wake up. Hope that it all gets better, but my mind wasn't leaning towards hope. My mind was used to the pain of loss. I am used to the pain of picking up the pieces after it all falls apart, but this limbo that we were currently in was uncomfortable. I hate it.

Pulling the hair tie out of my hair and slipping it on my wrist I prepared to go to room 340. The room Nile has been occupying for the past week. Before he had a roommate but Mike paid for him to be moved to a private room. I think it was because some nights he just slept here. I knew how he was feeling. Actually, I knew how everyone was feeling. They wore their emotions on their sleeves like prized cufflinks. They were not numb to the pain but rather seemed to be allowing themselves to feel every ounce of the pain afflicted by this situation. Mike felt guilty. He was blaming himself for not being there for Nile. He was beating himself up for not checking in more and for moving away. Jacob, on the other hand, was torn because he was confused. He didn't understand how to feel about the truth he learned about his long-lost father. Then throw into the mix his identical twin that he hasn't seen in years it was too much for anyone.

My father was feeling responsible. He was angry with himself for not seeing the signs soon enough to help Nile. See that's another thing about tragedy we try to assign blame because it has to be someone's fault. The idea that it just happens is too much for us to take in. See I stopped believing everything happens for a reason a long time ago. That was just something we say to comfort ourselves during difficult moments. Turning the car off and sticking my hands in the pockets of the orange hoodie that adorned my body I made my way to the hospital.

I came around the same time every day. Routines help me to sort out my thoughts because I don't have to think about it. I just do it. The same nurses are usually in rotation and we are familiar with one another.

"Hello beautiful, how are you?" Nurse Myer asked. She's a plump woman in her late fifties who sat at the front desk on the third floor. She smiled whenever she saw me and commented on the fact that my curly hair reminded her of her granddaughter. We didn't converse much but she was such a warm person it was hard not to feel special when she spoke to you.

"I'm okay nurse Meyers. How are you?" I asked stopping in front of the desk to talk to her.

"You know same old same old. Mr. Meyers is taking me on a trip this weekend though, so I am excited." Her smile stretched across her face and reached her eyes.