Wandering Fireflies

Chapter 18: Real Boys Don't Cry

"Hey, it's the thought that counts," said Vance with a wink that sent shivers down my spine. I hated the effect that Vance had on me, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake it off.

"Oh, and I also threw your sheets in the laundry."

"Shit, my mom's gonna kill me," I groaned slapping my forehead.

"What - why? It's just blood, it'll wash out," he said casually.

I know I should've been grateful - heck my own parents don't even want to be in the house whenever I'm on my period. Vance though didn't even seem fazed by any of this and for some reason, that seriously pissed me off.

"You know I'm not a girl right? So you don't have to treat me like one."

"So me helping you out when you're not feeling well automatically means that I'm treating you like a girl?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't need you to take care of me, I can take care of myself so you can just leave." I spat at him, shooting him a glare.

Vance frowned and furrowed his brows. "What is your problem man? Why do you keep pushing away the people that care about you and want to help?" Vance cared about me? My stomach started to feel uneasy, but I chose to ignore it.

"I didn't ask you to-"

"No, listen to me! I tell you everything because I trust you, Zaavan. You're my best friend. But I don't get why you won't trust me."

"You don't understand," I choked.

"Then make me, Zaavan. Make me understand because I really want to. I want you to talk to me and tell me what's wrong and don't even try to say that you're fine because I know you're not." One look at Vance's face was all that it took to convince me that he meant it.

"Because you'll hate me," I mumbled looking down at my lap. "Vance, you're my best friend and if you leave me like everyone else did..."

Vance's expression softened and to my surprise, he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "I won't and I mean it. There's nothing that you could tell me that'll make me hate you," he said with a firm voice.

I don't know what made me open up to Vance. Maybe I was too tired from the pain. Or maybe it was the fact that the way he was looking at me made feel fuzzy inside. Whatever it was, the next thing I knew was that I was telling him everything, right from the beginning.

"When I was born, the doctors didn't know if I was male or female because I was born with ambiguous genitalia. Trying to make sense of my body, they decided that I had what could be considered a penis but noticed that I also had a vagina that had fused close. So they ended up doing more tests and discovered that I have an XXY chromosome set and Partial Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome. I have a penis and one testicle but also one ovary, a uterus and a vagina so basically, the doctors told my parents that when I was a bit older, I'd have to get surgery to open my vagina to allow menstruation. Later on, I would also get castrated and have genital surgery so I could have a more normal looking vagina and could live as a female." As I hesitated, Vance squeezed my shoulders and nodded encouragingly.

"Basically, the doctors told my parents that they should raise me as a girl. My parents though were devastated when the doctors told them I was intersex and didn't want anything to do with me. So my dad's older sister, Holly offered to take me in. She was amazing and she tried her best to raise me on her own, painting my room pink, buying me dolls, dresses and skirts and everything as feminine as possible." I took a deep breath. Man, this is so nerve-wracking.

"But it was really hard for her because I wouldn't cooperate. I hated pink, I didn't want dolls, and we fought all the time because I refused to wear skirts and dresses. Then one day, when I was about 8 years old and aunt Holly was trying to force me into a dress for a party we were going to, we both just snapped. She yelled at me: You have to wear a dress because you have to be a girl. Then I yelled back: But I don't want to be a girl because I'm just not a girl."