behind bars

20. | cries, whimpers and screams

''I'm not going to treat you as just another client, you know that. Let's sit on the couch and I'll get you something warm to drink.'' He doesn't object as he gets up, slowly following me to the couch while I keep holding his hand. After he sits down, I make both of us some ginger tea in the corner of the room.

A few silent yet comfortable minutes pass until I finish. I walk back to where he's seated, his face buried in his hands. Without speaking, I put one of the steaming hot mugs near him.

He looks so vulnerable, nothing like how he normally looks. He doesn't drink, nor does he talk or even look up at me, making me wonder what is going on in his mind.

Eventually, I take his cold hand in mine, rubbing the back of it with my thumb in a comforting manner. He slightly moves his fingers and turns his hand around, grabbing mine in his and holding onto it.

"It's okay if you don't want to talk about what's been bothering you. But if you do feel like it, I will listen to you." I reassure him, desperately wanting to break through his walls.

He doesn't speak.

I decide to just keep quiet and softly lay my head on his shoulder, continuing to draw circles on the back of his free hand while he holds onto my other in silence. I listen to his breathing, almost feeling him calm down under my touch.

We stay like this for a little while when he suddenly decides it's time to vent.

"I think my mom's dying," he mumbles in a low voice, almost inaudible. "And I can't be there next to her and Lizzie to prevent it. To do something."

I gulp at his words as I continue my movement, patiently waiting for him to spill some of the load onto me. As long as he feels a bit relieved, I'll gladly accept being weighed down by whatever is on his mind.

We've been so busy with my mother's case and trying to speak with every professional that was involved, I must admit I did not think about his private life. I was so focused on getting him out, I forgot about what would wait for and greet him once that long awaited day arrived.

"I'm not sure if I told you, but she was already sick before I ended up in here. I was giving my everything to pay for her treatment. When I ended up in here, their primary source of money was gone. They couldn't keep up. She told me they were managing fine. God, I should have known she was just lying about it.'' He inhales deeply, I feel him slightly shudder as if he's doing everything in his power to not break down in endless tears.

''Her condition got worse. She's tied to her bed and nobody's helping her. Her side of the family have been pretending we're nonexistent forever, and her illness didn't change their inhumane behavior. Lizzie called me yesterday—,'' His voice rasps as he looks sideways, down to meet my eyes.

''She could barely even talk and filled the few minutes we had, sobbing that she was going to be left alone. That she would end up in an orphanage." He sighs deeply and runs his hand through his hair in frustration.

''And the fucked-up part is that she's right!'' He slightly raises the tone of his voice. "I tried everything in my power so that they would let me visit her, even if it's just for once. I want to see for myself how she is. I want to weigh my options and seek solutions. I was forced to abandon them by being here, but I never abandoned them willingly and I never will. I have to—, I have to visit them. I have to see them.'' He sounds hopeless as he lets go of both of my hands.

''They keep telling me the same shit over and over again. That I can't, because in their eyes I'm a murderer, for fuck's sake. They can't let me out under guidance or anything. They've just denied my requests, every single time. I've tried you know? They can't visit me; I can't visit them. I... I wanted to ask Cole to visit, but I don't want him to lose his job over being too close with me. I can't do that to him either. I don't have any other option left. I was never a good brother for her, neither have I ever been a good son. What am I going to do now Brook?" He looks at me with red-rimmed eyes from desperately trying not to crumble.

"I'm stuck." His voice cracks and so does my heart.

He lets his head fall onto my right shoulder as his hands fall loosely around my waist. He starts sobbing uncontrollably, soaking my shoulders as he cries, whimpers and screams his hopelessness into me. His fists proceed to grabbing onto the bottom of my shirt, his nails uncontrollably digging into my skin.

''Fuck.'' He mumbles into my shoulder, seeming almost angry at his own emotions. He's holding onto me so tightly, I feel like from now on I can't ever let go of him. He's crying audibly, every breath and every whimper an ode to a past filled with being too strong. Yet here he is, still strong enough to finally let it out. To break down and give himself the oppurtunity to feel.

I try to ignore the tears stinging in my eyes, not allowing them to fall. I can't break down and be of support at the same time. This is his time to let it all out. I wrap my arms around him, hugging him tightly as I rub the nape of his neck. He sucks in a sharp breath and tightens his grip around my waist.

I get reminded of the intense pain I've felt for years abruptly losing my mother. I can't begin to imagine how helpless he's feeling right now. Not even watching, but hearing about her dying while his sister is looking at a damned future by being handed over to a fucked-up system.

We sit like this for what feels like an endless amount of time, wishing it wouldn't stop. Cole knocks and speaks from behind the door, reminding us of our unfortunate time-limit.

Ethan still hasn't faced me after the breakdown, we just continued to hug and cuddle on the couch. I cannot even describe how thankful I am for Cole being the one to watch the room through the camera's right now. If any other guard would have brought him in, I would've been forced to treat Ethan like a client.

"Ethan?" I say, causing him to move a little. He finally glances at my face as I try to not make it obvious that his swollen eyes shatter my heart into pieces. He smiles weakly as he slowly moves both of his thumbs over my cheeks, wiping away some of the remaining wetness. I couldn't help myself.

As he leans forward, my breath hitches. He places two gentle kisses on both of my burning cheeks as he holds my face into both of his hands. He's being so swift and careful, almost as if he's afraid he'll break me.

Little does he know, he is the one making me whole again.

In return, and to his surprise, I grab his face in my hands in the exact same manner. Wiping away his tears, I place a few swift kisses. He chuckles at this, cheeks rosy as he moves his gaze to my neck.

"You're wearing it." He takes the glass with the dried daisy in his hands, smiling to himself. "My daisy." He mutters to himself, tucking two strands of hair behind my ears on both sides.

As much as I would like to stay like this, comforting him forever, reality dawns on me.

"You have to go and eat Ethan." I remind him. "You won't be of any help to anyone, especially not yourself, when you're weak and unwell. Promise me you'll eat and stop coping in hurtful ways for yourself."

"Okay."

"Say the words." I furrow my brows at him, causing him to smile.

He chews his bottom lip and gives in. "I promise."

"And I promise I will go and see your mother and Lizzie tomorrow. Write them a letter. Give it to Cole tonight before you sleep and I'll give it to them. I'll go and think of ways to help them while you're in here helping yourself to get out. The best thing for both them and you is getting you out of here."

His eyes lighten up as he nods, followed by Cole entering the room. However, Ethan pulls me into his arms and leans in, close to my left ear.

"You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't know what I'd do without you." He places a kiss there, burning my skin as he lets go.

And I don't know what I'd do without you.

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A/N; words cannot describe how thankful i am for such kind, thoughtful and patient readers. hell, god knows i still don't understand why y'all read this mess of a book but i am so happy for having all of you <3

thanks for reading, i hope you enjoyed.
please don't forget to vote & comment, i really enjoy reading every single one of them.

— lyra b.