Human

In My Head

***WARNING: content involving topics of low self-esteem and self-harm***

(if any of those themes trigger anything please do not read)

**also I was listening to Flicker by Niall Horan when I wrote this if you wanna listen to it while you read **

The tips of her fingers brushed against the worn down, spotted glass, as she stared back at the two dull, dark brown eyes examining her.

Judgement. Fear.

Pulling away, she slowly traced the outline of her dry, thin lips which quivered at her cold touch. She gently trailed her rough, dry fingers up her cheeks. Her once soft skin, worn down from scrubbing away her imperfections. Those fatal imperfections.

Warm, familiar tears danced down her cheeks, like they had a million times before. She harshly wiped them away, refusing their gentle trickle. She looked into the reflection. Her eyes red. Blotchy. 

A flickering figure. Fading into black and white. Camouflaging within the shadows of the caving in walls surrounding her. A restless monster constantly attempting to claw out from underneath her delicate, broken skin. Yet tameable for curious eyes.

Pain.

The emotion that constantly harassed her. Kept her in his clutches. Pouncing at any opportunity he could grasp between his remorseless, intangible arms.

Her eyes slowly trailed down her vulnerable, bare body. Thoughts. Harmful thoughts echoed the hollow walls of her conscience.

Ugly.

Unwanted.

Disproportioned.

Fat.

Hairy.

Scarred.

Her rough fingers hovered over her stomach, before she gently traced the marks. Every curve, every bump.

The marks left behind from the metal intentionally stabbed repeatedly into her skin. The misused tool. The outlet to her anger.

Frustration.

Screaming thoughts. All leading back to...

Pain.

Psychologically felt, yet physically non-existent.

***

A shiver crawls up my back, making me shudder. I look up once again, staring at every imperfection. Every misplaced and unwanted detail that withholds me from being, feeling loved. From feeling worthy.

Good enough.

"I don't need love, " I inaudibly whisper, the words leaving a bitter aftertaste on my tongue. But the tears say otherwise as they begin to spill down my cheeks.

"I can survive on my own," I continue. But my body says otherwise as it begins to tremble. Longing to be held.

I close my eyes, trying to disappear into the darkness of my thoughts.

Desperately trying to drift away from the pain that is reality.

Your warm breath tickles the back of my neck. I take in a shaky breath and open my eyes. My body once again betraying my thoughts.

Longing for your touch.

Longing to be loved.

Longing for the life that overflows from your being.

The bright colors you paint onto my skin with just the touch of your loving fingers, send more shivers down my spine.

Your large hands gently trail along my hips until they reach mine; cold and trembling, protectively placed over my stomach. Hiding my flaws for fear that even you might reject me.

Your warm, soft chest engulfs my back as you rest your chin on my shoulder. Your messy, dark brown hair tickling my ear. I can feel your gingerbread brown eyes staring at me, but I can't look into them for fear of what I might see. For what I see every day in my eyes, staring back at me from the glass reflection.

I can feel your gaze follow mine down to my stomach. You gently lift my thumb, but I tighten my grip. Afraid I'll be seen as different, ugly if you discover all my imperfections.

I can feel your heartbeat accelerate. Your muscles flinch. You gently plant a soft kiss onto my shoulder.

Then onto my neck.

Ending with my cheek.

I lift my gaze and find yours staring back at me. The only feeling displayed in your glimmering eyes is...

love.

I swallow and look down again before meeting your eyes in the glass. One finger at a time, I slowly remove my hands and allow yours to take their place. I study your face in the reflection.

Your complexion becomes slightly paler and your eyes slightly wider. Your arms tighten around my waist as you cover the marks with your hands, lovingly.

I place mine over yours, squeezing them tight. Hoping. Praying. You won't leave me. You won't see me differently. Ugly.

You stay.

I see your eyes trace every part of my body in the reflection. Every detail, every blemish that I loathe so much about myself.

And effortlessly, the word rolls off your tongue.

The word I don't feel worthy of. The word I long to be.

"Beautiful," you whisper.

Author's Rambling: 

I hope you enjoyed it!! This is my first time posting to Wattpad so I hope I lived up to your expectations of me! :)

Tell me your thoughts in the comments below and if you'd like me to try and write more little moments 💜💜💜