99 days without you >> lashton AU

Day 41 & 42

Dear Ashton,
hey, sorry I haven't been writing. I just came out of bed after two days. yup, I stayed in bed, not wanting to participate in the world. and because I didn't feel like waking up. I was dreaming of you and I didn't want it to end.
hey...I'm 5 days clean. also I haven't smoked or drank or did lines in a while.
I'm proud of myself.
:)
-
hey.. I decided to cook our favorite food; spaghetti. I already got your chair out and everything is done. all we need is forks.
but the dishes are in the sink, to be honest I haven't washed them in a while. so they've been sitting there for a long time.
to be completely honest with you, the whole house is a mess. ever since my mom visited that day, I didn't clean up. I didn't do anything.
you'd be really mad if I didn't clean up after myself, I know that.
but, at times, I feel like you aren't really here. that I am really alone, with no one by my side.
but anyways, we better eat our food before it gets cold, right?
-
hey, I decided to go on twitter to check up on our fans...well, they aren't my fans anymore. but I don't care, I love them.
I tweeted something simple like, 'hello', and my phone blew up with mentions. I read every single one, even the negatives.
I didn't care what people said, it was true anyways. that I, Luke hemmings, is a drug addict and dropped out of the band. (I got kicked out, but its almost true) I also got a lot of positive ones. it made me feel bad, because I only have a short time. I just wanted to hug every single one of them and tell them that l'm fine and its gonna be alright. but I can't. because I'm not fine and its not gonna be alright. I can't lie to them. that's wrong.
....
I haven't seen Michael or Calum in a while. its okay, because no one will stop me once I do it.
but.. I do hope they find another lead singer. because they deserve the world.
:-)
..
well its time to drift off to sleep. goodnight Ashton, I love you.
-Luke
-
idk why but I make myself cry while writing this.