Not an Object, Not a Weapon

Chapter 1: Broken

"Don't think I have ever heard you say that."

"She is clearing triggering her memory by saying words that make no sense, only to her."

"She is traumatized, perhaps PTSD?" I vaguely hear the nurse say, "I will only ask this once because I believe it has everything to do with her mental state, what did you do to her family?"

"Not to be discussed," the man hisses at the nurse, "that is behind us and you know I never reflect on the past. I won't allow myself to think about what I ordered to be done. It happened, that's all you need to know."

"Sir, listen to her, she is repeating the same four words about, and two words especially she is caught up on, three defeated, what meaning does that have to her."

"Not in your pay grade," he hisses before leaving her in the dust with unanswered questions. That leaves two of us without answers.

"Why don't we get you changed?" The Nurse smiles and waits for an answer. I smile acknowledging the question but I don't trust my words to answer the question, it is clear I have been struggling. She disappears back into the hallway and comes back with sweatpants and a workout tank top. "This is the first thing I could find so it will have to do."

"Who?" I ask happy to finally make some sense.

"A girl about your age," the nurse smiles happy to have a semi normal conversation with me.

"Orphanage?"

"Not quite," she laughs with her heart, "I can't really explain what this place is though, we will have to wait until Avarija comes back. I am sure he will tell you... eventually.

"A. Ava. Avar," I try to say his name but my mind cannot think through each syllable.

"Avarija, darling, he is the leader. You have met him a few times."

I shake my head not allowing any words to escape my lips, surprisingly I can manage to think of a few words to say relative to this topic but I have a feeling, if those words are spoken aloud, I will be in serious trouble. "No." Her eyes fill with amusement, I guess she realized that in regards to Ava-whatever, I can truly come up with a few unpleasant words.

"Are you feeling any better?"

"Empty," I say, one word replies seems to be my best bet, the minute I try to say a sentence or even two words I choke up.

"I am truly sorry. I cannot imagine what you went through in the course of the day."

"No recollection," I take a deep breath in attempt to calm me down but instead my breathing shakes and my hands tremble, "not right."

"Not right," she repeats, her eyes break contact with me and she fixates on a speck in the wall in front of us.

"Universe," I say. Mentally I facepalm, I was doing so well with making sense and then BOOM, my mind jumbles up and the first word that I think of has no meaning. Although it does, to me at least.

"You lost me."

"Not stable. Universe," I say breathless. My head spins trying to take in these walls, these pictures and every imperfection trying to focus my mind. Not thinking about something is sometimes the best way to solve something.

"Not bad," she beams like a proud mother. "See, already improvement."

"Why?"

"I cannot answer that, although I really wish I could."

"My side?"

"Darling, I-" she says before getting up and walking away. Guess not. Sighing I slide down in my bed and let sleep calm me down.