Affection // irwin

Chapter 13

Just like last Friday, I tell my parents I’m off to a friend to watch some movies. They don’t suspect a thing, at least they don’t say anything. Dad smiles at me and mom is just as thrilled as last time. I promise to text them if I’ll be late, not wanting mom to get mad at me again. If I go to another party I have to come up with another excuse. Three times in a row is too risky. Maybe I should just tell them? Do people to that? Tell their parents they’re going to a party? Probably not since lots of them live at campus. I don’t. No, my parents want me close. They don’t trust me well enough to make my own decisions and they don’t dare leave me out of sight. I wonder when I will get that privilege. Probably never.

I arrive around the same time and park at the same place even though there aren’t as many cars as last time. The amount of people is less, but the music just as loud. I brought my own drink that I quickly pour down an empty red cup I find in the kitchen. It’s the same color as the one Luke made me drink. I hope this fools him if I see him tonight. More like when I see him. 

“Joselyn!” Emma is standing next to me, grinning.

“Hi Emma.”

“Wow, nice dress.”

I look down on the blue tunic and black belt I bought earlier. It’s not a dress but I don’t correct her. I’m wearing a pair of black skinny jeans underneath that looks like leggings. And on top of that, low white converse. High heels aren’t really my thing.

“Thanks, you too,” I smile back at her.

She’s wearing denim shorts and a plain white top, making her blue hair pop. I wonder about her ex-boyfriend. He probably knew she dyes her hair often, so why be together with her?

“I wanna dance,” Emma grabs my arm and before I know it I’m out on the dance floor with her moving in front of me.

“I-I can’t,” I stutter.

“What? I can’t hear you. Come on, just move those hips of yours!” She takes the red cup off my hand and puts it on the closest shelf.

I stay completely still. I can’t dance. I’m too stiff. I look like a 60 year old when I try to move my hips. Emma starts laughing and grabs my hands. She pulls me close and then pushes me back, pulls me back in and lays her arms around my neck and shoulders before she starts spinning around with me. What the hell is she doing? The song ends and a new, more techno, song starts playing and Emma starts jumping up and down with her hands up.

“Come on! Jump with me!” She screams and I start jumping up and down as well.

I’m still as stiff as a board, I don’t belong here. My arms go up but it looks like I’m forcing them to move. I try to focus on the music, pretending I’m alone and not in a room with 100 people. It gets easier and I feel the music move inside me. I look around me, prepared to see everyone staring, but no one does. I don’t meet anyone’s gaze. Everyone’s too drunk to even notice me and my stupid dance…or stupid jumping, so I keep on jumping.

“That was fun.” 

Emma finally decides it’s time to go out to get some air after a couple of songs dancing. I completely agree with her, I’m hot even after pouring the rest of my drink down my throat. It tasted like soda, only warmer and without the bubbles, but no one had touched it. I was glad, because this was the only soda I had with me.

“Yeah, it was,” I admit.

“Do you want one?” Emma takes out a cigarette from the pack in her pocket before sitting down.

I shake my head.

“That’s good. Don’t start. I’ve been smoking since I was 13. My lungs are probably already black.” She lights it up with a yellowish lighter.

“Just stop it.”

“It’s not that easy, hun. I’ve tried, believe me. I try every New Year’s, but two days later I find myself opening a new pack,” she shakes her head, taking another puff.

We sit there a few feet away from each other, she smoking, me trying to stay away from the smoke. I don’t want to smell of it when I get home.

“You don’t live at campus, huh?” Emma looks at me and I shake my head. “Too bad.”

“Why’s that?” I ask.

“We could use someone like you.”

“Someone like me?”

“Someone new, fresh blood, you know,” she responds and moves her eyes to the lawn. “Last time someone came was like three years ago, Liza. I think you met her. Cal’s girl?”

“You want me to be a part of your group?” I ask startled.

No one had ever asked me to be a part of their group. Directly nor indirectly.

“You’re cool,” she replies and I take that as a yes.

The compliments keep coming, I don’t know what to do. First Ashton, then mom and now Emma. This feeling inside me starts growing and somehow I feel more confident but yet so shy. Last time I got this many compliments was back in High School and they weren’t nice compliments. They just broke me down.

“Who’s exactly in the group?” I ask, even though I already know the answer.

“Me, Cal, Liza, Mike, Kyle, Luke, Amy and Ashton. Kimmy is on and off.”

Kimmy. I never really saw her face when I was out shopping before but I guess she looked like Amy. I just hope she doesn’t have the same personality. But it wouldn’t surprise me if she does. She seemed to like Luke, and no sane person would do that.

“But they don’t all live on campus.”

“And how do you know that?”

Emma frowns at me. Shit. What have I just done? All I could think of was how Ashton had told me he didn’t live at campus. I can’t tell Emma we’ve been hanging out? Can I?

“I mean…” Come on Joselyn, think! “I…we’re at Luke’s house?”

I breathe out, unaware I held it at all.

“It’s his parents’ house,” she accepts my answer and adds. “Sometimes he’s at campus, sometimes he’s here. Same goes with Amy. Not that I get it though. I mean, look at this place. It’s huge! Half of Sydney could live here and there would still be rooms left!” She throws her arms open.

“I think you’re exaggerating a bit…”

“Maybe a little. But still,” she nods at the house and gives me a look, telling me she is serious.

“What do they even work with?”

“Their parents? I think their dad is some kind of businessman and their mom is a lawyer. They’re usually away so Luke and Amy has the house to themselves pretty often.”

Businessman and lawyer, two great professions. How did Luke and Amy become such party people? Are they secretly smart? Luke perhaps.

“Michael didn’t think you’d actually come,” she says after putting out the cigarette in the ashtray on the porch. 

“Why not?” I say, crossing my arms and she shrugs.

“You’re gonna have to ask him. Where is he anyway?”

I’m offended. Why did Michael think I wouldn’t come? And what is with that guy anyway? He’s careful with me. Not the same careful as Ashton. But, he’s really making sure I’m good and that everything’s okay. The other day when I asked about Ashton, he kept on talking with me, asked me some personal questions and always made sure there was a smile on my face even though it felt like he was getting too close. Does he like me? Is that why he does what he does? And says what he says? He can’t like me, not in that way. He doesn’t even know me.

“Speak of the devil…Where have you been?”